Sunday Inspiration – Audrey Caroline

Many people have recommended a blog to me, about Audrey Caroline, in recent days, and I’ve been unable to click the links. I just couldn’t. I’m too raw, and I didn’t care about anyone else’s pain, my own was too fresh for me to think about others’.

Then Ruthann posted the lyrics to Audrey’s song…and I started bawling when I read them. I had to go to YouTube and do a search, but couldn’t find the right song. So I googled the first stanza and found the song, and Audrey’s story, that way. Both touched me so much, I had to email Audrey’s mother from her blog, to thank her for the gift I received from their song and story Saturday night.

Watching the video of their beautiful family…I wish I’d been strong enough to let the kids enjoy Ruby Mae, even in death. I wish I’d been strong enough to ask to see her the next day, but I couldn’t bear the thought of holding her and her being cold and still. Now…oh the regrets I have. I can’t change the past…I’m healing but its so hard at times, ya know?

Anyway, the video is beautiful…thank you Ruthann, for bringing the lyrics to my attention and causing me to search out what so many people in their kindness and compassion tried to get me to see earlier.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

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Giving It to God

This week has been a hard one for me.  The doctor’s appointments were ok, but exhausting to go to.  Things at my mom’s were very stressful with the added company and her getting sick again suddenly, not to mention her dog, who was Mamaw’s dog, and is 2 weeks younger than Jared, got hurt and has a broken leg.  All of our stress levels skyrocketed.  By the time I got home Wednesday evening, I was stretched very thin.  Not being on my meds doesn’t help of course.

Then it really all hit the fan.  I found out that it wasn’t enough to just call me a liar…someone actually stalked me to another place on the internet.  The things this person(s) did just make no sense to me.  What is so sadly lacking in someone’s life that they feel the need to find someone they think lied to them, provide proof that is nothing more than coincidence, then when evidence IS provided, they choose to ignore it…and more importantly, set out to deliberately make that person more miserable than they themselves are, and attempt to destroy new relationships that may have been formed.  It just…it doesn’t compute for me.

Regardless, it was the final straw.  I took steps to protect myself, my emotions, my mental stability, and I haven’t looked back since.  I was upset that day, of course, but after a few hours it passed.

Then I found out, after all that, I need a new motor for my van (did I mention we JUST paid it off a month or so ago?), and of course that isn’t in the budget any time soon.  We’ve borrowed my mom’s car for the time being.

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Saturday night we had a church social, to meet a prospective pastor and his wife (we’ve been without a pastor for about a year and a half now).   I went, and I’m so glad I did.  They seem so genuine and compassionate.  She talked to me for a while…Justin and some of the others in the church have told her of my recent (and not-so-recent) medical issues, and as we talked, I felt my tension from the week loosening quite a bit.  We continued to discuss things, mainly Miss Ruby and the things she’ll face when she’s born, if she survives her birth.  I’d passed around the best of the 4D pictures, and it was easy to talk about her for once.

I told her that one of my biggest struggles has been listening to that voice I continue to hear in my head…the one that says “Let go, I’ve got this.”  The one that at first I had so much trouble trying to listen to.  As each week and month have passed by, I’ve realized that I’ve steadily given up a little more of that control, day by day.  Justin and I talked about that on the way to Jared’s band contest Saturday.  But, I haven’t been able to let go of that last little bit, and figured I never would.

As I talked to the pastor’s wife, and I told her this, suddenly a weight lifted.  I felt my face do that “ooooh wow” thing that we’ve all done at times when we suddenly realize something profound.  I was amazed…and when I walked away I was almost floating, I felt so light.  I realized in that moment…I’d done it.  I’d given it to God.  Completely.  Yes, I’m still afraid.  Yes, I’m still terrified at times that I’m going to be burying my baby.  But the inner peace I’ve felt for the past few weeks, that whatever happens, it will be ok…it suddenly just expanded and filled me up today.  I know its ok now…God has it.  He has her.  He’s always had her…it just took me a little while to let go and realize that.  He has us all.

And with that realization…nothing else really matters.  All the heartache and upset this week, the mood swings, the crying, the pain, the discomfort, the doctor’s restrictions, the financial strains…none of it matters.  God has it under control.  I just need to listen for His guidance and let Him take the wheel.

I have a feeling I’ll be sleeping better at night now…

And, I thank God for wonderful, amazing friends, some whom I’ve never met, that continue to pray for usand lift me up, make me laugh until I cry, during the times I need it the most.

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His Promise

We all know the story of the first rainbow…and how its God’s promise to us never again to flood the earth. But, rainbows have meant so much more to me all my life. Its hard to explain, but I can’t see a rainbow in the sky without getting excited and exclaiming out loud “OH! A rainbow!!!” Living in south MS almost all of my life (minus the few years I was in the military), I have plenty of opportunities to see rainbows on a regular basis. We get a lot of rain down here. A lot. And even when we don’t get rain, we get rainbows because of the moisture in the air.

Justin and I were driving out to his brother’s this afternoon to return his trailer Justin had borrowed, and I had my hand on my belly, pressing to feel the baby. I’ve really been able to feel it a lot the past couple weeks…that hard little grapefruit that I normally get so much pleasure from feeling. I was sitting there with tears in my eyes, and silently praying the same prayer I’ve been praying for the past few weeks…God, please, please PLEASE take care of this baby! I glanced out Justin’s window and saw…a gorgeous rainbow. Not only did I cry out “Look!! A rainbow!!” but the tears in my eyes started flowing down my cheeks.

I don’t believe the rainbow is “just” a promise not to flood the earth again. I think its a promise of God’s grace and kindness and patience with us, his all-too-human creations. I like to think that rainbow today was a promise to me that all would be well with this baby, even if its not the “well” that I wish desperately for.

When we got home, I was talking to the kids, and prayer came up, and I explained that there are no unanswered prayers, we just don’t always like the answer, or refuse to accept it. My twelve year old daughter pipes up and says “God ALWAYS answers our prayers…its just that sometimes the answer is no.” You could have heard a pin drop in our living room. Justin and I just looked at each other, smiled, and nodded. She may not be a child exactly anymore, but she definitely speaks with wisdom that amazes me continually.

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