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Archive for February, 2008

I saw a segment about this children’s show seen on Hamas’ Al Aqsa channel while watching Red Eye this morning (yes, I’ve been sucked in by this 2 a.m. show on Fox News Channel and have started recording it). It disturbs me on so many levels…Presidential candidates preach diplomacy first, diplomacy first, give diplomacy a try. Um…we have. How many times do we continue to sit down at the table with people who think Tomorrow’s Pioneers is a great educational show for the impressionable minds of their children?? Just go to YouTube and do a search on Tomorrow’s Pioneers, and watch some of their segments. Truly disturbing, to this redneck mind at least.

I’m all for diplomacy people…but when is enough enough?

The notes on the following video:

The latest episode of a popular Hamas children’s TV show, Tomorrow’s Pioneers, features its main character cruelly swinging cats by their tails and throwing stones at caged lions in the Gaza zoo.
The episode of Tomorrow’s Pioneers features a costumed adult playing Nahool the Bee at the zoo, tormenting domestic cats and lions. The lions become so enraged by the abuse that one of them repeatedly tries to attack Nahool.
Every time Nahool swings a cat by the tail, an act that can cause permanent physical and behavior problems for the animal, children can be heard bursting into laughter.
Ironically, the decision to terrorize and inflict physical pain on real animals in the episode is an attempt to teach children not to abuse animals. When the program returns to the studio, the children in the audience criticize Nahool for his behavior, and he is told never to do it again.

NOTE: Nahool is the character that replaced Farfur, the Mickey Mouse clone that was killed off in response to widespread international outrage that a knockoff of the lovable Walt Disney character was teaching children about hatred and world Islamic domination.

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gets harder and harder to do lately. My depression has been kicking my butt. I’ve actually gotten out a lot the past few days, running errands, getting things done, that sort of thing…but I just can’t shake this bad feeling. I want to go find a deep dark hole and crawl inside. Hopefully this will pass pretty soon.

Many of you know (cause most of you who read this are members) but I’m a member of a parenting board, and have been since February 2002, when I found out I was expecting my little Bekah. This board has meant a lot to me over the years, and I’ve made some dear, dear friends there. I always knew if I needed someone to lean on, someone to listen, someone to give me advice, I could go to this board.

Well, lately not so much. The little things are annoying me. I was turned on rather viciously one too many times…”misunderstood” one too many times…and got one too many nasty private messages. While most of the ladies there I will care about and continue to give hugs and encouragement to, the rest, well, they have their lives, and I have mine. I guess what hurts the most is that ladies I thought were my friends are the ones who turned on me so terribly. Someone forwarded me some chat logs and emails and I really wish they hadn’t. I wouldn’t have read them if I’d had any warning at all. This all happened a couple months ago, and its gotten harder and harder to go to the board and be positive and offer hugs and prayers and support when only the same very few people would respond to my requests for hugs and prayers, and others shunned me completely. I agonized over the board every time there was a drama…I tried to keep the peace but if I got upset and offended and lashed out, I was castigated and flamed in a big way. I’m not perfect…never claimed I was…

Regardless…its all just gotten to be too much.  I’ve been being pushed out of it ever since I was in the hospital so long and people worried that the old board would be messed up since I was the owner, and a move was made last year behind our backs. Yeah, sure I’m an admin still, but everyone knows I don’t help on the board anymore.  I feel so freaking useless.

I guess what really bugs me is the talk…the crap. Sure, I know I can be a real wench, especially if I’m swinging…but in general I really am a nice person and would bend over backwards to help someone, friend or stranger. I decided to back off the board because many people think I’m backwards, racist, just plain ignorant. That’s fine…but I have a big enough problem with an inferiority complex as it is…I don’t need it from people I thought were, if not actual friends, at least had some care for me after all this time, since I had a lot of care and concern for them. Reality sucks, wouldn’t you agree?

So…the board situation is a lot of what’s been wrong with me the past couple months. My blogging has reflected it as well…I don’t have the interesting and amusing posts I used to have. I don’t really have much of anything when it comes down to it. Before I do something stupid and lash out while having a bad mood swing and completely alienate the rest of the board members, I figured it was time to step back and just try to figure out what I need to do for myself now.

On another note…Social Security called me Tuesday, and it looks like things are moving along quickly now. They submitted my claims for my physical allegations, and needed more information about my mental ones. I’m not so sure I’m going anywhere with the mental issues…I’m not in therapy, and told them I wasn’t because our insurance doesn’t pay, and I can’t afford $42-45 a visit. They said they may want to send me to one of their doctors…that’d be great but I let them know I have to have a driver wherever I go. I’m hopeful my lack of medical care for the bipolar won’t hurt my case.

So anyway, that’s kind of where I’ve been the past few weeks. Some of my board friends read this blog and have been worried about my absence…so I included the explanation…even though I know I probably shouldn’t have vented about a couple of the really little things that have irked me, I needed to, and hopefully my words won’t get taken out of context and deliberately misunderstood. But then…I make it so very easy don’t I? I’m not the best in the world at expressing myself, and that usually causes my downfall in some way.

Happy Thursday everyone.

***Edited at 4:00 pm to say that my problem is NOT with my board exactly. My problem is that I’ve been home for months, unable to work, unable to drive, in near-constant pain, and my depression has gotten the better of me lately. The nasty stuff that was said to me, publicly and privately a couple months ago, has added to my depression. There’s been NOTHING negative said to me lately…I’m just really down, really in need of something, and I don’t want to alienate anyone more than I already have. I needed to vent, so I did. Much of what I said has been bothering me for months/years and I just finally had all I could handle so to speak. The folks on the board are genuine and great people…I’m just having a really hard time right now.***

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Sunny Saturday

OK so its not really sunny, but considering the weather we’ve had the past several weeks, its pretty darn close!  Its a little cloudy outside, but its a very bright day nonetheless and I’m hoping it improves my mood.  I’ve been so “down” its not even funny!

Last night my mom came down and we all went up as a family to see a movie and have dinner for Katie’s birthday.  She had a ball I might add.  We went to see “The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything.”  Jared and I were immensely bored for the first 30-35 minutes, and then the action started and we enjoyed the movie a lot.  It was really cute after that point.  I wasn’t feeling well at all so that may have something to do with it too.

After the movie we went to Red Lobster for dinner (Katie’s choice, and since we had gotten our income tax refund yesterday, it worked out nicely).   It took way too long for our food to get to us, what with having a starving five year old along, but the food was good and we all had fun.  I had them bring out a chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream dessert for Katie, and they sang Happy Birthday to her.

We gave her a Hannah Montana video game for her Nintendo DS (she went crazy when she saw it), a blank book (she loves to write), a Tinkerbell book light to read with, a $10 gift card to Books A Million (our favorite store), and a cute beaded book mark.  After dinner Justin dropped her and me off at BAM while he ran to the store to get some milk and cherries for his mom, and she and I spent her gift card and her $10 from Mom.  It was nice just getting out the two of us for a few minutes.  We even held hands while we walked around the store, even though she’s almost as tall as me now.  These days will be gone so fast…

So all in all, she had a great birthday, and we all had a great time as a family.  It did me good to get out of the house for a while too.  This is the first time I’ve gone out to eat since the episodes started…and I did have a lot of anxiety that I’d fall in the restaurant, but I didn’t thank the Lord!!

Have a great weekend everyone :)

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