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Archive for August, 2006

I’m sick…

and it sucks. Yesterday and today I’ve run fever, had a terrible sore throat, and feel like a truck ran over my head.

My wonderful, dear friend Tena was online at 2:20a.m. and suggested hot chocolate. My throat still hurts but the hot chocolate is soothing it somewhat and seems to have helped my earaches a little too.

Summer colds are the worst…

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Mamaw…

Mamaw has alzheimers. She’s had it for years, and is pretty much nonresponsive most of the time now. We found out yesterday that she’s had several strokes and is paralyzed on the left side also.

Vida Mae is her name. She turned 90 this past April, while I was in the hospital. She helped raise me, and has been the stable force in my life. I love this woman so much. She’s petite…she could never claim to be taller than 5 feet. When I was younger she was plump and had a huge bosom that was perfect for resting your head against when you had a booboo and she’d cuddle you to make you feel better. She called it “petting”. When I came home from the 90-91 Gulf War, I climbed up on the couch beside her, laid my head in her lap, and asked her to “pet” me. I was 21 years old lol.

Mamaw taught me how to sew doll dresses, how to crochet, how to cook cornbread when I was 5 years old, how to tell time with a paper clock she made for me, how to read, write, and do simple math, all before I started grade school. When I was sick with pneumonia in 4th grade and missed 52 days of school straight, she forced me to eat cornmeal mush (I’d been throwing up everything) and not only did it “stick” but it was good!! She encouraged my imagination in so many small ways. She had WONDERFUL ghost stories (that she swore were true, and we’ve never known her to lie), wonderful poems and songs to share with us. She taught me to spell Mississippi when I was 3 (M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-humpback-humpback-I), Huckleberry Pie (H you huckle B you buckle Huckleberry Pie!). She never criticized me, but wouldn’t hesitate to discipline me. I feared her sharp thumbnail in church, and her wire flyswatter at home!

She taught me to eat rice with butter and milk. Yes, milk…like a broth. Its good! She taught me to sprinkle sugar over freshly sliced strawberries and then cover them with milk for another tasty treat. She bought snowballs for me. She made dolls for me out of corn husks and silk to keep me out of her hair when she was shucking fresh corn from my Aunt Bertha’s farm. She took me all over the south-central Mississippi countryside, showing me various “local landmarks”, graveyards, haunted houses. We used to ramble for hours on end. She taught me how to find good bargains at garage sales (she called them “garbage sales”).

When I was overseas in the first Gulf War, she baked a fruitcake for me and sent it to me, having to pay $22 for shipping because it was so heavy. It fermented on the way over because she doused it with wine to “preserve” it. I sold 1 inch squares for $5 a pop hehe. She wrote me funny, encouraging letters, and didn’t laugh at my attempts at “comic strip” stories to show what I’d been up to each week. The comics were drawn with stick figures. Last year, when we moved Mamaw into Mom’s house, I found all those old letters from 1990-91 tucked away in Mamaw’s dresser drawer. She stayed up all night to help Mom drive to Ft. Bragg, NC to meet me when I got off the plane after 9 months overseas.

Mamaw never finished the 4th grade. She had to go home to help run the family farm. They were very poor. When she was in her 50’s, she took classes and got her GED. She was constantly encouraging us to learn. No one ever knew that she’d never graduated or even attended high school because she always strove to learn and keep learning. I think I inherited my thirst for knowledge and love of history from her 🙂

She got married at 17, and by the time she was in her early twenties, she’d had 5 children and buried 2 of them. All total she had 9…8 boys and one girl…my mother. I can’t even imagine raising 9 children on a single income, but she did it. She made them all graduate from high school and even managed to get a couple through college. She was widowed before she was 40 and left with 4 children at home to care for, and had to find a job for the first time in her life. When she interviewed, she heard them tell another lady (who was 3 years younger than Mamaw) that she was really a little too old for the position. Mamaw walked in and quite brazenly told them she was 15 years younger than she was, and they believed her. She had such a love of life, such a jolly personality, that it was easy to believe she was much younger than she was. She got the job 🙂

Mamaw, you’ll never read this, but I love you and I miss you every day. God blessed me the day he allowed me to be your granddaughter.

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Just rambling…

I just didn’t feel like posting this weekend. I didn’t even post much at all on my board. I’m not sure if its the meds or what, but I just am not caring about much of anything right now. I do know that I forgot my meds Friday night, and yesterday was rough on me…it was just like starting my meds all over from the beginning again. The shaky vision, nausea, sleepiness, etc. I repeat, “They wonder why we go off our meds…”

AF showed up yesterday morning. Yay. I want to be happy but I’m wishing it was Friday already LOL. Cramping is ok, not as bad as in the past, but the migraine…oy. The migraine hurts.

I miss my dad. I alternate between missing him and hating him. I don’t want to hate him…he’s my DAD. At the same time, I can never forgive him. Dad is another story…a long one. Suffice it to say he’s in prison and I don’t know if I’ll ever post why because theoretically it could jeopardize his safety. He’ll be 62 this November. Wow. I do miss him. This sucks.

I may go back to work soon. Jason said my job was waiting for me…I feel like I’m ready to go back, although I’ve gotten spoiled somewhat from being able to stay home. I think Justin doesn’t really want me to go back…he’s gotten used to his breakfast each morning and having supper each night, and I think he thinks all that will stop once I go back to work. It might, but I’m hoping that I continue with this change that has happened to me since being in the hospital.

Another hurricane is coming into the Gulf. I’m sorry for FL, but grateful that Ernesto is going to hit them and not us. We are still recovering from Katrina…I don’t know how much more my trailer can take…its been through several hurricanes since we got it in 2002, and two of them were significant storms. Katrina though…wow. I’m still amazed that my trailer made it through. We lost so many trees all around it, but the trailer made it. Amazing.

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Another day today. Gee. What fun. I’m dragging so badly. It seems the last week or so of my posts have all been depressing. I need a pick-me-up I guess. Shoot, even Neopets is boring me LOL.

Mom is treating me to lunch today. I’m supposed to meet her in Purvis. I don’t want to sound ingrateful, but I don’t feel like driving. I’m wondering if she’ll come here instead, but I don’t want to put her out.

I dropped the ball this morning and didn’t get up and cook breakfast. I did get up and fix the last 2 waffles, but Justin made the batter and the first 4 waffles. What a slug I am! True, I had trouble sleeping last night, but still, I should have gotten up when he first woke me instead of going back to sleep.

Ick. I’ll write more later when I’m in a better mood. This is depressing me hehe.

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UGH UGH UGH

I’m swinging again. I’m sitting here in tears and its so stupid. What a day…what an anniversary!

We got to the church, and everyone was having fun, hanging out, waiting for their portrait proofs, etc., and all I could do was sit on a pew and feel miserable. I wasn’t able to interact with anyone. I just felt completely alienated and I think I was probably downright rude to those who did try to talk to me.

The portraits went well…I didn’t see the proofs but Justin said they were awesome. But…not only could we not afford an anniversary dinner, we couldn’t afford any pictures either, and that just sucks. I mean, its not like its a big deal…we at least get one free (I think) and we should be able to order more later, but will we ever really have the money?

We have to make some sacrifices to pay our bills off…its a good thing really…in 2-3 years we’ll be able to build that house without having to worry about an endless cc debt. That will make everything worth it. And we’ll be able to buy Justin a new truck…my van will be paid off next year. I can’t WAIT to buy something for Justin…he never gets anything new, unless you count socks and underwear, and who wants to only get socks and underwear? lol

I feel like I’m coming apart tonight. I did go ahead and take my meds, but I didn’t want to at all. I’ll be so glad when they regulate…I hate this hate this hate this!

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Happy Anniversary!!!

Justin and I have been married 6 years today. Time does fly. It seems like yesterday I was upset and crying over my life and prayed that God would send me a man who would love my children as if they were his, and would love Him and want to go to church with me. The VERY next day, Justin walked in at work and asked me out. It took almost 2 months for me to agree to go out with him, since we both worked for the same company. Our courtship was shorter than our engagement…he proposed, on bended knee, in a suit, on the beach (my dream) 3 weeks to the day after our first “date”. It took two dates for me to hug him, and three dates for a kiss LOL. We were engaged for four months…an eternity compared to our courtship…

We have no money to go out, which is fine…we’re getting out of debt and have to make sacrifices. So I’ve been saving some pork chops for this occasion…he LOVES my baked chops. I thawed them out, and when I was rinsing them, the smell hit me. They’d somehow gone bad in the freezer. Great. So now we’re all eating a variety of leftovers for our “big” anniversary dinner. This is my life.

We’re having family portraits done this evening at church, for our church directory. Its very cool that they’re doing a new directory so soon after we joined the church…I’ve never been in a church directory 🙂 If they’ll let us order later, or give them a post-dated check, then we’ll buy a couple for us. I wish we could afford a nice package, but its Olan Mills, so it’ll be expensive probably.

I can’t seem to get enough sleep the past couple days. I went ages without sleep, and now I’m sleeping TOO much. The meds maybe? I did go to bed late last night, around 12:30 a.m., but the night before that I was in bed before midnight, and the night before that I was asleep by 10:00 p.m. Yesterday and today I went back to bed after getting Justin and the kids off, although this morning I logged in for an hour first. Yesterday I didn’t get up until after 1:00 p.m., and this morning it was 11:45 when I dragged myself (unwillingly) out of bed and got a shower. I would easily sleep all day I think…and I’m sitting here yawning right now and feel just bone tired. I think, weather permitting tomorrow, I’m going to go to the park and walk the track. Its a 1/4 mile track, and every so often, there are workout stations, with various equipment (outdoor equipment). I’m feeling much better from the surgeries, so I think it will do me good, and hopefully will get rid of this lethargy. I haven’t walked in days because of the weather…and I think I really need to get back to it.

OK enough of a novel for now. I’m going to finish my leftover red beans and rice (leftover of choice for Bekah and me), guzzle the rest of my Coke (the spices apparently have fermented because these beans are HOTTER than I remember!) and go get ready for portraits. We have to be there at 8:10 tonight. I didn’t want to go that late but had no choice since the earlier spots were taken.

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Whew what a day. Its been another rough one, but a friend IM’d me out of the blue and cheered me up (thanks Tena) 🙂

I’ve been a bad influence too…I talked another friend into journalling for the first time (maniacal laughter). Once you’re hooked…you’re hooked for life hehe.

Katie is sick today…she’s rather green looking and says her tummy hurts. I’ve given her some Pepto and she’s laying on the couch now, watching TV with me. The show of choice? Bridezillas. I love this show…I never had a traditional wedding, so I love watching brides turning into monsters over small details…

Thunderstorms again today…that’s every single day now since the last week of June. How weird is that? Usually July and August are dry dry dry here in south MS.

My meds are doing weird things to me…my vision is all messed up…really “jerky” and hard to focus on anything. I also feel like I’m shaking to pieces all the time. And they wonder why we quit our meds…sheesh.

I’ll post more later…I’m just really not feeling right today…

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