Archive for September, 2006

BLAH day!

Today is a blah day. It started out well enough…I woke up with much less pain than I’d had all weekend. I was able to get up, shower, and get ready for church. It was nice getting back into church today, although I was hurting again before the sermon was half over. I spent the weekend drugged up because of the pain, so I slept most of the weekend away. I’ve fought sleep all afternoon because I’m hoping for a restful sleep tonight if possible.

Why did the pain come back? Is it something embarrassingly simple, like gas? Probably. Of course, AF was over a week late again (she arrived last night with no fanfare however), and AF being late and then disappearing was my first real “symptom” of my liver cancer. So who knows what’s really going on? All I know is that I hurt, I have no answers, and I’m crabby because of it. My feelings are easily bruised, I’m fighting urges to cut myself again, and I just want to SLEEP and keep sleeping, but people wake me up constantly.

Today has actually been good sleeping weather…its been rainy and thunderstorming off and on all day…its overcast…its just great sleeping weather. I wish I could have taken advantage of it!


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WoW (World of Warcraft)

The same friend who cursed me with my Neopets addiction also convinced me that WoW is a really great game…I finally got it (before my old laptop fried) but today is the first time in over 2 weeks of owning the game that I’ve gotten to play it. My free trial was only for 30 days, so I have less than 2 weeks to figure out if I want to continue to play. The problem is money…I have a new laptop to pay for and sadly enough I doubt if I can afford the $15 a month to play.

So far its a fun game. I made a human priest on Wildhammer server named Khandei (cute huh?), and I also have a gnome mage on Onyxia server named Rinandra (I let the game pick the name). I haven’t gotten to play Khandei yet because the server went down for patching as I was logging in, but I’ve spent about an hour playing Rinandra, and so far I really like it. Its very similar to EverQuest but of course since I don’t know how to do much yet its still a bit confusing. If I continue with it, I’ll be making a binder (or several) like I did with EQ…maps, equipment, quests, etc. Its simpler than EQ, but the graphics are truly awesome. Maybe its my new laptop that make the graphics seem awesome…either way it looks great :lol

The only real downside I can see right now is money. I’ll have to figure that one out if I decide to keep playing. Speaking of money…Movie Gallery is hiring…its only minimum wage but I could work while the kids are in school, have free rentals, and make a little spending money…so I may put in my application. I really hate to work for minimum wage…but its hard to find a job paying more with flexible hours I suppose.

Off to frag some more troggs 😉

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Ups and Downs

Ups and downs. Life is full of them. So why is it that when I have a day full of mostly ups, I can only remember the downs? Only the downs really affect me…

Today I went back to the doctor to find out about the new mass in my liver. Great news…its gone…all my labs looked great…he doesn’t want to see me until December. That’s just awesome right?

Then a friend was having a bad day…I teased her and she called me a fucker. True, it was probably an attempt at humor because she was really having a rough go of it, but it just totally rubbed me the wrong way. I’m letting it go because I know I’M not right at the moment, and I need to just back away. But it did hurt.

Enough of that. I have a new Dell. It came yesterday. Its awesome but HUGE and heavy. What did I expect…I ordered it as a desktop replacement and loaded the sucker out. The Sims 2 runs awesomely on it…and I think WoW will too as soon as I finish patching it (only about 20 hours to go lmao). I can’t wait to play WoW. I had a 30 day free trial and its over half over and I have YET to get to play *sigh* So anyway, I have this awesome new laptop and I feel too guilty to enjoy it. What’s up with that? I know pride is a sin, and I can’t help but feel a bit proud over it. Maybe that’s the problem?

I spent some time in the College library this afternoon. There’s a free wireless high speed connection, and I was using it to patch WoW. I wanted to look busy so I grabbed a history book off a nearby shelf and started “taking notes” out of it. I ended up taking an entire page of notes on the history of Alaska because I got engrossed in it. I want to go back to school SO BAD. But honestly…I’m not going to have a full-time job outside of the home anymore. Justin is IT. I’ll never leave him and we’re going to be together forever. Having gone through a divorce and quite a few rough patches with Justin, I can say this honestly. The only outside work I’ll be doing will be just to keep me sane and maybe for a little extra money. So what good would going back to school do me? It’d just be a waste of money. It’d feel so good to have my degree though…something related to history and archaeology…that’s why I think anthropology would be right up my alley!

Anyway…just a pipe dream…

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I think I’m the weird American. Remembering 9-11 doesn’t make me tear up. I’m not afraid to fly or travel on 9-11. Its just another date to me now, 5 years later. Am I a bad person? I sure hope not.

I haven’t forgotten…far from it. But I’m not going to be fake and act all touched or upset over the date. It didn’t directly affect me. I watched it all…it was so shocking…and I cried a little at the time. I think some of the security precautions implemented since then just make good plain sense.

I think remembering the date, honoring the fallen, is fine. But I wonder if too much emphasis has been placed on it. I feel like getting all emotional or vigilant on 9-11 isn’t productive. Why can’t we be emotional and vigilant the rest of the year? Are terrorists really going to strike again on another 9-11? Only they know when and where they’ll strike next…which is why we should worry less about the date and more about our security in general.

I suppose 9-11 will forever be a rallying cry, much like “Remember the Alamo!” was. I will never forget where I was or what I was doing that day…but I don’t think about it ONLY on 9-11 or around this time of year…I think of it any time I pass an airport or think of flying somewhere. I pay more attention now to those around me. AND I think I’m rambling now since my meds are kicking in and I’m drowsy.

So…more on a later date.

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A New Dell!!!

Woo hoo! I ordered a new Dell last night…it should be here on September 21 if all goes well. I can NOT wait! The auto/air adapter won’t ship until October 4 though…what’s up with THAT?

So specs…its an Inspiron…dual processors, 2GB memory, 120GB hard drive, 256mg video card, 17″ reallllllly nice widescreen display…all in all its a fully loaded, very nice laptop. I can’t wait until it gets here…but a little part of me is hoping Justin can fix my old laptop when he gets home. I’d love the new laptop (and it may be too late to cancel it) but I hate to see my old laptop just get thrown away. Sentimental I suppose…

Mom took Bekah to daycare for me today…she’s staying with me while Justin is in Houston. We’ve been pretty busy the past couple days…its really helped me a lot. I’ve been so down and depressed that I’ve needed the distraction.

Had a worrisome doctor visit yesterday…I think that I’ll post about that later…I’m not feeling up to it right now and I’m pretty sleepy too!

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Sleepless Somewhere in America…

I know there are others out there like me. Somewhere, there are people hunched in the dark over a glowing monitor, trying desperately to pass time until their body gives out and they pass out from sheer exhaustion. I’ve been sleeping so well lately, but tonight…well I’ve given up.

My laptop went FIZZZT today at some point. I got home around 6 p.m. and it wouldn’t turn on and smelled funny. The desktop has seen better days. We can’t afford a new computer or laptop, and I’m on borrowed time (literally) right now in regards to PC’s. I’m freaking out a little because the computer and internet are literally a lifeline for me. We’ll see how this experiment ends I suppose.

Bekah is asleep in my bed right now. She’s so sweet. Tonight Justin sang to her when she went to bed (over the phone) and she grinned from ear to ear, and kissed and hugged the phone. Taking her to and from school this week is a challenge, but we’ll manage. She’s doing so well we don’t want her to fall behind. I just hope I can stay awake for the drive!

I’m going to try to get some sleep…probably won’t happen. I had several things I wanted to blog about tonight but danged if they didn’t just slip right on our of my mind. Oh well. At least I have a mind, slippery though it may be at times 🙂

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I’m so smart I amaze myself sometimes. Really. Why, you ask? Well, allow me to elaborate on my remarkable intelligence.

I’m pretty sure I pulled my groin. I took off running through the house, for NO reason other than I felt like it. I immediately felt a burning pain in my groin and pulled up, limping the rest of the way to my bedroom. It now hurts even when I’m not moving my leg. I’ve pulled a muscle there before, and this pretty much feels like that. I sure hope Justin isn’t expecting a grand send-off for his trip tomorrow…’cause it ain’t happening the way I’m feeling right now!

I’ve decided not to go. I’d like to…but at the same time Justin has applied for a new, better position, an actual NASA job instead of just a contractor job, and many of the people who’ll be making the decision will be at the conference next week. The last thing I want is for them to question his work ethics…they know that in addition to the conference and the presentations he has to give there, that he has projects going on here that he’ll be having to monitor and keep up with. If I’m there, it might give the impression that he’s being less than diligent…and this new job would change our lives so drastically…it’d be an extra $1000 a month before taxes…we could pay off our loan sooner…we could get him the new truck he so desperately needs…oh so many things, especially our house we want to build!

So I’m going to stay here and miss him and concentrate on the kids and hope that they and Mom will distract me from missing him too badly. I’m not sure why I’m freaking out at the thought of him going away for a week…he left for NY in April, after I got back from the hospital, and I was fine. Maybe its because our relationship has been so much better lately? Who knows…at any rate, I will miss him, and can’t wait for next Friday so he’ll be HOME.

My crotch hurts.

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