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Yesterday was a pretty rough day at work.  I got there and just had a feeling of doom and gloom as I walked through the door.  Bekah is sick and I thought about using that as an excuse to just leave several times, but I didn’t, I stayed.  I wish I hadn’t…although the day got better as it wore on.

I checked my schedule for the week after I get back from Vegas when I got there, and I have ONE 4.5 hour shift scheduled for the entire week.  I told my manager, and he acted completely unconcerned.  “We still have time.”  Yes, I know we still have time, but I know how he works.  He doesn’t want to fix it until the week before, and the week before I’ll be in Vegas and can’t remind him.  It isn’t right at all.

Once again we were really short-handed…I went and worked on a register to help get lines down for the first two hours I was there.  At that point, it was time for my break.  The lines suddenly backed up again, one CSM was on lunch, another was Lord knows where (she disappears a lot…doing stuff but its stuff that could probably wait), and one went to another register.  That left me.  I finally found my manager again and threw my palm pilot at him and my keys (he needed them for the podium) and went to another register for another two hours.  I’d told him if he’d run the podium I’d get on register and he said no, and tried to find cashiers for me…then a few minutes later came back and took the podium LOL.  So when it was time for my lunch, I went on my break (only 2 hours late…4 hours after arriving at work).

Oddly enough, my mood had improved considerably because working with the customers made me feel better.  I just wish I could do it every day…I’d go back to cashiering…but it hurts too much.  I could barely walk when I left work last night.

Two hours after my break, I HAD to go to lunch because at 6 hours, we get a meal exception and get in trouble for not going to lunch within 6 hours.  Labor laws.  I was the only CSM on duty.  One was at lunch (she’d left for lunch around 6:05 and didn’t come back until 7:40), the other was doing a 90-day-evaluation (for 45 minutes!!!) and I knew I was about to get into trouble.  My manager walked by and I grabbed him and asked him to run the podium again so I could go to lunch.  I told him I didn’t want to get anyone into trouble but I was about to get a meal exception…at that point, the first CSM (at lunch) came back.  He’d asked where everyone was…I told him at lunch and doing an evaluation.  As I was walking past Customer Service I saw him talking to the CSM doing the eval and it looked like he was aggravated, and I heard “Why did you leave Kandy alone on the floor that long?” or something to that effect.  Wonderful.  Then when I walked back by I saw the two CSM’s talking heatedly…they both looked at me and shut up.  Even better.  I threw my hands up and went to lunch.

I came back from lunch and they acted fine, but I was still upset.  Several times in the whole shift I almost walked away from the store.  I was battling the thing I always battle with bipolar…I work a few months and then get aggravated and walk away or cause a scene.  I managed to bite my tongue (quite literally) but it wasn’t easy at all.  At one point I was in Money Center crying about it.  I was counting down a drawer for an audit…no customers or anything, and my ex called.  I answered it and gave him Justin’s cell # so he could call the kids and hung up.  Maybe 45 seconds on the phone at the most.  One CSM walked up and looked at me as she handed me an audit sheet while I was talking to him, giving him the number.  I had the phone tucked into my shoulder and was bent down counting the drawer…NO ONE could see me unless they were standing in the Money Center.  She walked away and less than a minute later I was paged to call an extension, where yet another CSM fussed at me about being on my phone in Money Center.  I didn’t deny it, but told her I knew it wasn’t a cashier that told, I knew who it was.  She said “It WAS a cashier!”  I said “Maybe at one time” and hung up on her.  I’m so sick of everyone trying to get everyone else in trouble.  The two gals in Money Center completely backed me up…they knew there was no way a cashier, even one walking by, could have seen me on the phone.  I see other CSM’s on their phones all the time…I got THREE calls from my dad while I was working yesterday and I didn’t answer them…I only answered the ex because I knew he wanted to talk to his kids.

So I’m at the point where I usually quit a job or walk away in such a way that I’m not eligible for rehire.  It frustrates me because for the most part I still enjoy working.  It frustrates me because since almost dying last year, I have turned my life around and made a LOT of changes, and have worked harder at this job than at any other I’ve ever had.  I’m doing my best to do the right thing, and keep getting in trouble for trumped up stupid stuff or stuff that I haven’t said or done, but have been accused of by … jealous folks?  Who knows.  Maybe I’m just an easy target because I’m the new one.  I don’t know…I know that some things I’ve deserved…I did talk a bit too much at times and was careless with phrases that were misconstrued and came back to bite me in the butt.  I’ve since stopped most of my talking, and now I’m “stuck up…power tripping…not friendly.”  I can’t win LOL.

Anyway…I have bills I have to pay…but I don’t think I’ll qualify for disability based on the bipolar because mine isn’t all that bad.  I have bad swings, but not that often anymore.  Any kind of stress though does seem to set me off somewhat.

I hate this.

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Yeah, you read that right.  After a crazy Labor Day weekend, I need to think of a way to recover.  Let me explain.

 I worked 2:00-11:00 p.m. Thursday night.  Not too bad actually…it was rough because the computer messed up the schedules a couple weeks ago, and while our manager KNEW about it, he did nothing about it.  This is not unusual.   Why is it a problem?  Well the computer scheduled people who haven’t worked for us for weeks, if not months.  In addition, people were scheduled who had been terminated recently, and the new hires we had worked 1-3 shifts and never came back.  Who would under this kind of stress?  OK well *I* did but we already know I was desperate for a job and a reason to “live” again after almost dying last year.  But anyway, all in all, it wasn’t a *terrible* night…just a little rough.

 Friday, I worked 2:00-11:00 p.m. again.  Kinda sucked working that shift two nights in a row, but I’ve complained about my schedule enough.  Friday was the worst night I thought I’d had since working at Wal-Mart.  We were very short-handed, and management was unconcerned, other than screaming at us to find cart-pushers and cashiers.  We did the best with what we had, and we CSM’s left work drooping.  When I left at 11:00, we had overnight workers hopping on registers, and the lines were past the clothing.  It was crazy.

Saturday, I redefined my “worst night ever” at Wal-Mart.  I got there (3:00-11:00 p.m. this time), and was immediately put on a register, along with every other CSM on duty.  Managers were running our podium, and since my former front-end manager was doing the main running, things went REALLY smoothly (she knows what she’s doing).  After a couple hours, we had the lines down enough that the CSM’s were able to get off the registers…but the night got worse because the lines came back up and NEVER went back down.  I had no cart pushers (again) and hardly any cashiers.  Management was screaming that we needed buggies.  I looked a manager in the eyes and said if he wanted the buggies out of the lot and into the store, then he and the other male managers on duty were free to go push them in.  He stared at me in shock, started laughing, and rounded up the male managers and out to the lot they went…at which point *I* was in shock.  But hey, we got buggies into the store!!  Normally, when I leave at 11:00 p.m. we have 3-4 registers open.  When I left Saturday night, we had 12 open…and the lines were into the clothing.

 Sunday, I worked *gasp* 2:00-11:00 p.m. again.  How is this fair??  Especially when you see what time I worked Monday.  But anyway, I got to work…and Oh…my…Lord…it was the worst yet.  I had to close by myself after 10:00 (previously I had someone else with me until 11:00) and had it not been for the awesome CSM that left at 10:00, I would have been there past midnight or even later.  Once again, we didn’t have cashiers or cart pushers, and customers were beyond rude and impatient.  Who shops on a holiday weekend and expects NOT to stand in line?  I mean HONESTLY…I think every resident of the area decided to shop at Wal-Mart on Labor Day weekend.  I was so tired when I staggered out of there at 11:00 p.m. I forgot to clock out.  Oops.

Monday…Labor Day…I have to be at work 5:30 a.m. until 1:30 p.m.  I LOVE this shift normally…but not when its preceded by an 11:00 p.m. shift.  I got home around midnight…in bed by 12:30…and watched the clock change until it went off at 3:30 a.m.  I couldn’t for the life of me get to sleep because I knew I was only going to get three hours sleep at best, and just couldn’t get my brain to turn off.  Normally when I open, I take two Tylenol PM around 7:00 p.m. the night before, go to bed, read, watch a little TV, and manage to pass out by 8:30 or so.   This was the third time I’ve had to close then open though, and its so hard on me.  I did go ahead and take two regular Tylenol when I went to bed, knowing that I’d have a headache Monday, and sure enough, I sat up Monday and my head was already aching.  Add to that AF made her monthly visit on Sunday night (of COURSE) and I got to work Monday not feeling in the best of moods.  AF is not kind to me.  Sunday was ok, but Monday was not.  AF is VERY VERY heavy for me the first three days.  Yeah that’s nice.

So anyway, I get to work at 5:30 Monday morning, and realize there’s no other CSM until 8:00, and then after him no other CSM until 3:00 p.m.  Lunch and breaks were going to be almost non-existent.  I started crossing off all the cashiers that either weren’t employed by us anymore, or soon wouldn’t be because they hadn’t been showing up, and by the time I got off at 1:30, I had crossed off over half of the cashiers scheduled for those shifts in between.  The day was not looking to be a good one.  In actuality, we were “ok” until about 9:00 a.m. and then the crowds hit.  A manager came up and yelled at me to open every register…I told them (disguising their gender here) to manufacture some cash registers and cashiers to run them and I’d open them.  They looked at me then pointed to two registers and told me to open them.  I told them I couldn’t…they’d been broken for weeks and we’d tried to repair them and couldn’t, and had called NCR repeatedly and no one had come out for repair yet.  They told me to find some way to get the lines down, and I told them to feel free to find an available register and hop on it.  I was a lot nicer than that, but I was pissed and they knew it.  Next thing I knew, I had a lot of associates from the back of the store who knew how to run registers coming to the podium and offering their services so I could give my cashiers breaks.  I love that manager.  They could have busted my chops and instead went and found some help for me.

 I was dragging big time, headache had escalated to a migraine, and I was having to go to the restroom every 30-45 minutes due to AF (I kid you not…she is NOT kind the first three days).  I was hungry (my sausage biscuit combo I got around 9:30 was RAW in the middle of the sausage patty so I didn’t finish it), my head was killing me, I was exhausted, and I was getting disgusted at rude customers.  I literally had customers standing in line at every single register we had (we opened the two broken ones in the end…one we could take cash or checks only, the other we could not take checks on), and the customers are yelling at me that we need more help.  What the heck?  We had over 30 registers with customers and cashiers, every single register on the front-end was open…how did we need more help?  We were not this busy at CHRISTMAS.  I kid you not.  I worked all hours during Christmas (I was a regular cashier then), and we had bad lines, but NOTHING like this.  The customers were just making it worse by grumbling and griping.  I guess I don’t understand the mentality.  If I were in a hurry, I would NOT go to Wal-Mart on a holiday weekend, and if I had no choice, I certainly wouldn’t gripe and moan about them not having enough help when EVERY register was open and running.  Oh I’d gripe and moan, but it’d be at ME and my lack of forethought and planning.

 OK so maybe I just think I’d be that way…I’m not sure to be honest.  I do know that for years I’ve refused to shop at Wal-Mart during holiday seasons because of the crowds.  When I had no choice, I’d go in the middle of the night if at all possible.

 Regardless, it was the roughest weekend I’ve had yet, and its going to take me a while to recover.  Vegas can’t come soon enough!

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A new week

and things are a lot better.  Mom and I have somewhat made up…she got really bad Saturday night but yesterday and today acted as if nothing were wrong (other than to apologize to me).  We’re still on eggshells a bit but that can be worked out.

Work is…well its going.  I need to talk to the co-manager Wednesday if she’s there…my manager today said that she needed to see me about my hours and what can be done.  I can’t make it on 4-6 hour shifts.  It just isn’t worth the drive.  So we’ll see what happens.

This may be something really silly to be happy about, but I’m making a stew tomorrow in the crock pot and I can already taste it.  I can’t wait.  I love stew and its so easy to make.

Financial matters have taken a turn for the worse…still no child support this month, and doesn’t look like any will be forthcoming any time soon.  Its really put a crunch on us, but we’re going to get by somehow.

So anyway, things are not as bad as they were.  I’m hanging in there.  I’m still very depressed but I’m not as devastatingly depressed as I was Saturday.  I also talked to Daddy yesterday and that went well.  I miss him and wish I could see him.

This is probably a very disjointed posting…but I’m tired from a long day of work and still exhausted from all the emotional upheaval over the weekend.  Thanks those of you who gave me hugs and support.  It helped more than you could possibly know.

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I don’t know how to talk to people.  Apparently anyway.  This really bothered me.  I was told all week to “get on” people if they took long breaks/lunches, spoke inappropriately, did something wrong, etc.  There were only 2 people I actually “got on” and that was very mild.  I spoke quietly and pretty nicely I thought, and just “reminded” them that we only need to take 15 minute breaks (they took 35 and 40 respectively).  One of them started crying, and I mentioned that to another CSM, and she said that she wasn’t going to say anything but a lot of people were complaining that I didn’t know how to talk to people…that I was rude and abrupt, mean, etc.  She said this in front of two other cashiers.  I laughed it off and then when we were alone asked her about it.  She isn’t one to gossip much and wouldn’t give me any indication who said what exactly, but it upset me nonetheless.  I told her there were only 2 people I’d said anything to, and she indicated that a lot more than 2 were complaining.

Now…I know that since I became CSM there have been some issues.  I feel like there is a small faction that is out there trying to get me in trouble, and I’ve been ignoring it and just doing my job the best way I can.  I know there will always be people that are disgruntled or just like to start crap.  I’m an easy target.  I get that.

I did run my mouth too much a few times.  There were times I got VERY aggravated and I spoke without thinking.  I’ve worked REALLY hard since then to make sure I moderate my tone and choice of words.  If anything, I’ve been sickly sweet (to me anyway).

So the rest of my night last night was pretty much ruined.  Valid complaints rarely get to me much…I take it to heart and try not to make the same mistake twice.  What I feel are unfair complaints really do me in however.  I just couldn’t stop thinking about it, trying to figure out who I’d said or done anything to in a rude or abrupt manner.  I couldn’t think of ANYTHING.  That doesn’t mean nothing happened…but something that may have been so insignificant in my mind that I immediately forgot about it may very well have really hurt someone and stood out in their mind.  I just wish I knew what that was.

I teared up a lot last night…my abdomen started hurting again Tuesday…and today I’m in a lot of pain.  But last night I just couldn’t get my mind back on task…oh sure, I did my job, and did it as well as I’ve been doing it (how well that is exactly is up to debate apparently…it seemed a good job to me at any rate)…but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the CSM’s comments.  I did manage to stay upbeat and somewhat cheerful to everyone, but I was crying inside.

Why did I let it affect me so much?  I’ve been a stellar employee…a real stand out in every situation I’ve been in.  Now I’m a CSM and it seems like I’m doing NOTHING right.  This bothers me.  Maybe its just my pride that is being bruised…I’m used to nothing but compliments, and now it seems like I’m getting nothing but complaints.  Perhaps I am out of my element.  Maybe I do need to just forget about CSM and go back down to Money Center.  That injures my pride too.  I don’t like to think I may be a failure.

I’d just about made up my mind as I was getting my purse out of my locker last night that I was just going to forget about CSM and the whole thing, and go back down to Money Center…when something…happened.  I’d been praying “God, please let me moderate my temper, and my comments, and actions…everything.  Give me patience and guidance to do the right things in any situation that may arise…help me Lord”, that sort of thing.  A cashier came in to clock out…and this is where the interesting thing happened.

A little background…I trained this cashier.  We never “hit it off”…there was always some awkwardness, and I think she looked at me as the typical racist white cow, due to the way she’d react to me.  I put it out of my mind, knowing that I can’t win everyone over.  She’d gone overnight for a couple months, and this week came back to regular hours.  I didn’t make any special effort with her…I treated her as I’ve always done, and in fact as I treat everyone.

So she clocks out, looks at me, and this conversation follows:

Her: Good night Kandy!
Me:  Good night  _____! (censoring for privacy)
Her: *walking away, stopping, coming back* By the way, thank you so much.
Me: For what?
Her:  For everything you’ve done for me this week…you’re the only person who has made sure I got my breaks and lunches…you were the fastest one when I needed something, and you were just really on the ball and helpful and nice.  So I wanted to tell you thank you.
Me:  Well, you’re welcome!

She walked out and I stood there stunned.  That wasn’t exactly the conversation…to be honest much of it is a blur.  But I’d been standing there at my locker with tears in my eyes, completely despondent.  Did God send me a message?  I like to think so.  I certainly felt better and the “You don’t know how to talk to people” comment isn’t bothering me nearly as much as it did (though I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me at all anymore).

Maybe its all going to be ok, and I need to just make sure that I continue to be aware of how I respond to people and situations.  I know that I CAN be abrupt when I’m rushed, and I’ll try to keep a closer eye on that and make sure I’m not giving the wrong impression.

Still, for a black girl that has never treated me as if she liked me at all to suddenly stop, come back and thank me for something I didn’t even make an effort to do…wow.  I was just being me.  Maybe I’m not quite so bad after all.  It certainly encouraged me at a time when I really needed it.

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is soooo much fun…not.

I was supposed to work until 7 tonight…I got off at 4:30 because I was throwing up.  I think I could have stayed, but as miserable as I felt, I just came on home.  I can’t seem to shake this nasty summer cold.

Last night was a GOOD night.  I was so tired when I got home, and my chest hurt a lot from all the activity at work, but I felt really productive and that I got a lot accomplished.

Today…not so good.

I talked to my manager at length before I clocked out and came home.  In about a month, the computer will do ALL scheduling and managers will no longer be able to override the schedules.  This is not good for me…because the computer right now generates 4-5 hour shifts for me and only about 15-18 hours a week.  I can’t make it on that.  So I left with a not-very-good-feeling about the whole situation.  They also won’t let me work at two stores.

I think that tomorrow I’ll talk to the store manager…and see what, if ANY of my options are.  I wish I could keep CSM pay and get 32 hours a week over 4 days, (40 hours over 5 days would be better) but if that isn’t going to happen, then I need to go back down to my 40 hours a week in Money Center.  Problem 1…I’m not sure they’d let me go back to Money Center, even though they haven’t found anyone competent to replace me.  Problem 2…they’re not hiring full-time people right now, and I’m not sure that I’d be able to go back “up” to full-time, even though I’ve only been part-time for 3 weeks.

I’m just not sure what to do…I can’t afford the gas to go back and forth for a 4-5 hour shift…it doesn’t even “pay” for a 6 or 7 hour shift.  I drive 40 miles one way.  I really don’t want to transfer to the store that’s only 15-20 minutes away, BUT it would cut my gas bill in half, so I really have to consider that as well.

My “disease” is killing me.  Yesterday I was definitely manic.  BIG TIME.  Everyone noticed it.  Today I started out manic, and before I got really sick, I hit the bottom so fast it almost made me dizzy.  In fact, it crossed my mind to wonder if the nausea and throwing up was related…I was bouncing one minute and within 5 minutes I wanted to just die.  My eyes were tearing up and I could barely function.  I went to the bathroom to “hide” and ended up throwing up.  I thought I could stay and work through it, but ended up throwing up a couple more times after that, so I threw in the towel.

I’m sitting here at home, alone, forcing myself to write in an attempt to pull myself out of this.  I would love to be able to sit at home and draw a disability check…I really would.  But…I shudder to think what would become of me.  I’d slide farther and farther into depression and slothfulness…I know this from experience.  Working frustrates me, and does stress me out to a degree…but I also thrive on it.  It gets me out of the house…allows me to interact with people, when in actuality I’m not a social person at all.

Before you say it…getting some activities for myself is just not an option.  I don’t get paid for outside interests, therefor I’ll lose my motivation and stop going after a short time.  I know this about myself.  I do.  Its a flaw that I’m very well aware of.  Drawing a paycheck is my motivation for putting clothes and makeup on and leaving my house.  Otherwise I’d stay locked inside with the curtains drawn and never go outside at ALL.  Even when I’m happy, I like to stay home and not have company or go out.

I didn’t use to be this way.  It started around about the time I really started having mood swings so badly I thought I was losing my mind.  I’d never heard of bipolar disorder and never had any idea that what I was experiencing was actually somewhat “normal”.   All I knew was that I was NOT normal and I was afraid everyone was going to see that.  In fact, my first actual year of college (after graduating high school…I actually started attending college while a junior in high school), my friends honestly thought I was on drugs because I was hallucinating at times and just totally freaking out.  I’ve never so much as smoked a joint in my life, and the only “controlled substances” I’ve taken have been alcohol and prescription drugs (as needed!!).  I don’t even drink alcohol anymore at all.  I liked it WAY too much before I got a handle on the bipolar disease and learned to cope.  Alcohol was my…anesthetic…for the real world.  Yeah…it got pretty bad…but it was legal so I excused it away.  Funny how we find a way around our conscience…

I look back at the person I was in college and the military, and I don’t like what I see at all.  God has been merciful, and I have very few actual memories from those years…the ones I do have are bad enough though.  I wasn’t a nice person…but it wasn’t intentional or selfish or anything like that.  I just had no idea who I was, what I was doing, where I was going.  Its almost as if I had multiple personalities, although I know that I don’t.  My dad suffers from that…but all the evaluations through the years have cleared me.  Thank goodness…I don’t know if I could stand too many more mental problems LOL.  However…the person I was then…is NOT the person I am now.  I haven’t been that person in a very long time.  I’m not even sure I ever truly WAS that person.  Makes no sense, does it?  Still, if I ran into some of the people I knew back then, there’d be some surprise on their part.  Its not that I’m embarrassed…I USED to be…but now I realize that being embarrassed for something I truly couldn’t control is no benefit to me whatsoever.  I can’t go back and change things…I can’t go back and say “Hey Kandy…you’re bipolar, get HELP!!!”…so why agonize over it?  All I can do is attempt to move forward with my life and not make the same mistakes again.

Boy I rambled today…guess I didn’t get to play WoW quite like I wanted to.  I need to go to bed in about an hour because I’m working at 5:30 in the morning, so I have to get up at 3:30.  *yawn*

Oddly enough, I feel better now than I did when I sat down to write.  Therapeutic I suppose.

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I talked to my manager on the phone this morning…at first he sounded grumpy and frustrated until I got him to understand what my complaint was.  Then, he seemed surprised that my schedule was not what he and I had discussed, then he seemed upset when he saw in the computer who’d done it (he didn’t tell me but he didn’t have to), then he got really nice and helpful.  He stresses out easily but if you give him a little time he chills out and is a pretty nice guy.

SO ANYWAY.  Not only did he fix it to give me 32 hours (we’re not sure what 4th day I’m working yet because he has to look at it) but he’s probably going to let me work in the Money Center one day a week, and if the co-manager will approve it, 2 days a week, to give me my 40 hours back.  Three days as CSM, two in the Money Center.  I explained that my ex-husband lost his job this week and that I really need as many hours as possible, and he was agreeable to the idea.

My other option (if co-manager won’t approve the 40 hours) is to ask if they’ll allow me to work in the store near me for 8-16 hours a week to make up 40 hours.  This may be the better option anyway…I could possibly work 8 hours in my store, then a 4 hour shift in the local store, then have a day or two off to recuperate.  In other words, keep my 2 days off a week, but just add 4 hours to my day 2-3 days…I could do that, especially now that the abdominal pain *seems* to be at a VERY manageable state.  I already feel more energized than I did a couple weeks ago, although the chest pain is wearing me down by the end of my day.  That isn’t expected to last however so its all good.

I still plan to apologize to the CSM I yelled at.  It was very unprofessional of me, and just because she was snippy is no reason for me to overreact the way I did.  I’m going to act like she was a saint and I was just out of line…because the bottom line is that I WAS out of line, regardless of whatever prompted me to be that way.  If I keep saying “she started it” well that’s not really being sorry, is it?  And I am sorry.  Maybe my motives are wrong…I’m not sorry really if I offended her…I’m sorry because I made myself look bad and reacted in a way I normally would not have.  If that’s the wrong reasons, well I can’t help it…all I can do is be honest with myself, and that IS the reason I’m sorry right now.  OK now I do feel kinda bad that I may have offended her…but I also think I may be blowing this up too…from dealing with her in the past, she *seems* to be the type to let things blow over…what seems huge to me isn’t to her, that sorta thing.  Still, I think apologizing is the way to go, even if she didn’t really notice my anger and my reaction.  It’ll make me feel better.

Man I sound like a selfish, self-centered bitch.  Ugh.

Anyway…just figured I’d update since I’m not upset anymore…not about my schedule at any rate 😉

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Yeah I’m in one of “those” moods.  Today was just…rough.  First day as a CSM by myself, and 4 cashiers and a cart pusher didn’t show up.  Granted,  I think its because they’re in school now, but still, that put a real crunch on things.

Then, I went to my manager, who was only today working on the schedules that start Saturday…the other one was messed up.  I explained that when I was hired as CSM, I was promised 32 hours a week MINIMUM, and that I drove almost an hour one-way to get to and from work.  I told him that the 4-8 shifts on Saturday and Sunday wouldn’t work for me, but that I could gladly work 11-8, and he said that sounded great…and I’m working 5:30 a.m. til 2:30 p.m. on Monday, so I really can’t work any later than 8pm on Sunday or I won’t get any sleep.  Again, he said it sounded good.

Then the CSM that has been doing a lot of the scheduling got involved, and my new schedule is 4-midnight Saturday, 4-10p.m. Sunday, Monday no change, and 4-midnight on Friday.  Over a month ago, I requested Thursday and Friday off due to doctor’s appointments (2 on Thursday) and my anniversary on Friday.  It was approved over a month ago.  Now, after today’s “adjustments” I’m no longer off.  Not one of the “new” shifts is an 8 hour shift, and I have a total of 27.5-28 hours.  This is NOT going to work for me.  Its not even worth my time!  32 hours is cutting it as close as I can possibly cut it.  Not to mention, I’d get almost no sleep because if I get off at 10, I’ll get home by 11, in bed by 11:30, and get up at 3:30…so that’s 4 hours sleep IF I’m lucky.  No, it won’t work for me.

Unfortunately, I got into a shouting match in Customer Service with the other CSM because she was snippy with me, and I was in pain, exhausted, frustrated, and I reacted without thinking.  Very poor judgement on my part.  I called back to apologize, but she’d already gone home.  This CSM told me I WOULD work that schedule because they pulled it up in the computer and it was my availability.  I yelled back that it was NOT my availability and they could have the CSM job.  I really shouldn’t have lost my cool that way.

The thing is, my availability is only until 10:30 p.m. on Saturday, 11 p.m. on Sunday and Friday, 9 p.m. on Monday and Wednesday, and until 3:30 p.m. on Tuesday and Thursday.  On this new schedule, only one of my shifts is an 8 hour shift and fits into my availability.  When I complained, another CSM jumped my crap, saying she had to work 3 late night shifts next week too.  OK fine, but she’s full-time, and that’s her availability.  It isn’t mine.  Working late nights 3 of my 4 shifts is in no way fair, to me OR to her (for her 5 shifts).  There’s no reason for it.  AND in addition, the CSM that helped do the schedule has never worked any nights at all that I’ve seen.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen her past 8 p.m.  Where’s the fairness in that?

I guess I’m just disillusioned, stressed out, exhausted, and frustrated at the lack of training I’ve received and the fact that the crap seems to be rolling downhill onto the newest CSM, and I’m not going to take it.  I don’t even know that I can get my Money Center position back, and that frustrates me as well.  I’m pissed off at myself for losing my cool.  That really embarrassed me.  While I don’t regret what I said, I DO regret the way and manner in which I said it.  I should have been polite and calm.  I am capable of that…I don’t know why in the world I lost my temper today.  I have no excuse.

I went and talked to the store manager before I left, and he agreed with my point of view, and told me just to call my manager tomorrow rather than coming all the way back down there to see him.  However, I think I’ll go ahead and make the face-to-face trip.  The CSM I lost my cool with is off on Friday, but at the very least I can put a note of apology into her locker, which is right next to mine.

I’m just not sure what to do.  Part of me really wants to go to the store that’s only 20 min from my house and apply for a transfer, but I really do like working at the store I’m at, and the people, in general, are better.  I guess I just feel like I’ve gotten the short end of the stick so many times at this store, that little things are setting me off now.  I’m not sure how to react or if I’m even justified in feeling the way I do.  I think I may be overreacting and that irritates me too.

I do enjoy my job…but I think I may have seriously shot myself in the foot today.  It figures.

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