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Archive for September, 2012

There will be many, many times in our lives when someone disappoints us in some way…hurts us in some way.  There will be just as many times, if not more, when we return the favor, intentionally or unintentionally.  When it happens to you though, how do you let it go?

I’ve had many difficult times through the years…and with cancer in my life, I’m sure I’ll have many more yet to come.  One period of my life stands out to me however as THE most difficult time of my life, the most difficult situation I’ve ever had to handle.  I’m not happy with the way I handled it…not happy at all, and for many reasons.

I’m speaking, of course, of Ruby.

I miss her.  I never knew her, never even really saw her because they knocked me out, but I miss her.  I miss what is supposed to have been.  I miss the cuddles and snuggles and the joy of watching her walk and talk and play.  I miss reading to her and singing to her as I tuck her into bed at night.  But as much as I miss her, I don’t want to let her go.

What I do want to let go is how I was treated when I was carrying her.  Several people hurt me deeply…some family, some friends, and as silly as it sounds, some “friends” that I never actually met in real life, but I felt an apparently false kinship with them.  I don’t know how to let their treatment of me go…and until I can let it go, I’m never going to be able to move forward.

I need to move forward.  The bitterness I feel when I think back on it affects me negatively.  I recognize this, but can’t seem to do much about it.  I’m less likely to trust, less likely to reach out to people, and that really bugs me.

Some have apologized directly.  Some indirectly.  Some not at all.  Some, I’m sure, never will.  I keep telling myself its their problem, not mine.  Still, when you have a night like I had last night, all those self-doubts and recriminations come back to haunt you.  All the old hurt feelings, the rejection, the harsh words, insults, outright lies, and accusations.  Its hard to let go, especially as Ruby’s birthday approaches, as I look at yet another bout with cancer (possibly a worse one, we won’t know for a couple weeks yet).  I want to find that happy place so I can focus on my family and my health and just…live again.

I used to question why I had to go through Ruby’s pregnancy…why God would do that to me with everything else I’ve had happen in my life.  I have no answer as to why…but He obviously knows what He’s doing, because it didn’t kill me…it didn’t break me.  He will never give us more than we can handle.  One of my favorite movies is “The Sound of Music,” and the line from that movie really does hold true: “When God closes a door, SOMEWHERE He opens a window.”

I’ve found my windows when I needed them.  Now I just need to find that peace so I can let go of all the things that are hurting me.

There’s this really nasty little part of me though that wants to seriously knock the crap out of some people.  It might feel good to do so, but only temporarily…then I’d feel even worse.  I guess if I didn’t have to see some of them on a near-daily basis it’d be easier, but it is what it is.

I will continue to reach out, to support, to love, even though I’m treated like dirt or having my warm heart taken advantage of.  If I lose the capacity to care, I’ve lost everything.

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The whole mess with my doctor’s visit last week just keeps getting worse and worse.  The nurse was a cow to me, really insulted and offended me Friday, and they didn’t call me on Monday like she told me they would (after fussing at me about calling Friday).  Justin finally got through to them today, and the doctor was busy, so we still don’t know the results of my CT scan, but considering it went from him calling me as soon as he reviewed it to he’d call as soon as he talked to the other doctors about it Monday morning, to now I need an MRI and an EUS immediately…it doesn’t look good.  We already knew my AFP was still climbing.

So we wait.  She is supposedly calling me tomorrow to let me know about the scheduling of the additional tests…pardon me if I don’t hold my breath.  I LOVED M, the nurse that is retiring at the end of this year, but she’s taking a back seat role to let G learn the works, and so far, not only am I not impressed, I’m upset and offended by the way she talked to me. If I’d deserved it, that’s one thing, but a very nice, polite inquiry doesn’t deserve it.  Maybe its because I called on the private number…I’m sorry, that’s the number M gave me to call at any time, and by golly, until I’m told not to use it, I’m gonna keep using it.  I was given that number because of my history and because of my status as “Dr. C’s very special patient.”

I’m trying not to read too much into this additional testing, or the fact that he changed from calling me when he got the results to wanting to review them with the other, more experienced doctors, but I can’t help stressing.  By the way, my doctor, Dr. C, was in surgery Thursday, so I saw Dr. B, who I like a lot, and its understandable why he’d want to review a complicated case with my doctor, who is also the head of the department.  But still.

Gilda is due to have her kittens in two weeks.  I can’t afford any more complications to happen…my summer went to crap with vet bills and stress and bad health, and I’ve been trying to pull myself out of it, not just this summer, but for the past year.  I need to start getting some good news, dang it.

Time to calm down, relax, maybe drive to the coast and take a nice walk on the beach.  Maybe.

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Apology to AT&T

Dear AT&T:

I wish to take this opportunity to apologize now for any PTSD your technician may experience as a result of driving slowly down my road this morning. I was in the process of chasing a food-thieving cat, and glancing out my window saw your technician, in his van, pull over directly in front of my house. Deciding this was an act of Divine Providence, I grabbed a throw blanket off the recliner, wrapped it about my nightshirt-clad body, and ran out the door, where I proceeded to harangue him at the top of my lungs when he made the foolish mistake of telling me he didn’t know WHEN our promised DSL would be going into service.

I’m sure he’s going to have nightmares of a fat woman, wrapped in a furry blanket, hair all a mess and waving in the breeze, holding an equally fat and furry (and struggling) cat, yelling at him that the next time a technician from your fine company comes down our road, they’d better be turning DSL on or risk getting shot repeatedly.

I mean, seriously…he should have known better, right?

Sincerely,

The Mad Fat Woman

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BLAH

This quite possibly has been the worst summer I’ve had in a very long time when it comes to depression and mood swings.  That’s why I haven’t been blogging or gaming or any of the things I typically enjoy.  I’m off my Cymbalta…I gained 80 pounds while taking it…quit taking it and lost 40 pounds…I know I NEED to be back on it, but I honestly don’t want to gain those 40 pounds back plus a few dozen more.

Its hard to know what to even type without whining and crying…but writing has always helped me, and while no one may ever read it, I need to get back into the swing of things.  Hard to believe that from 2006-2009, my blogging actually gave us some much-needed “bonus” money.  Its so hard to write now that sometimes those years seem like a distant dream.

My tumor markers continue to rise…they’ve been able to get me in for blood tests, but not to get my CT scan done…they’ve rescheduled that three times now (I’m on the third apt for the same CT scan I’ve been waiting on all summer).  My symptoms got pretty bad over the summer, but the past week or two I’ve been better…almost no nausea and no vomiting at all.  I’m still having daily nosebleeds (multiple ones), all from the right nostril, but other than that and the weekly migraine, things are actually looking up a little.  I’m hopeful that I was just fighting some type of infection and that’s what caused my tumor markers to be out of whack.  My surgeon told me last summer that an infection could make the results “off.”

I almost lost my sweetest cat, Tia, about three weeks ago.  I noticed she had diarrhea one evening, and then she started vomiting…I sat up with her all night, thinking she wouldn’t make it through til morning, but she did.  Got her to the vet, he did all sorts of bloodwork and tests on her, gave her IV fluids and medication, and saved her life, but it was a very close thing…even he wasn’t sure if she’d pull through.  After repeat visits and labs, his diagnosis was that she’d been poisoned.  The night she got sick, I was cleaning and decided to give one of our recliners to my cousin to open the room up a little more (we had 3 recliners, a huge sofa, and a computer table, plus a TV table and two end tables in one small living room…CLUTTERED), and I found a bunch of pills under the recliner…mostly Advil or Motrin (hard to tell the difference) and some white ones that I’m not sure what they were.  Some had been chewed.  When I told the vet that after he’d made his diagnosis, he said even just a little gnawing on one could make a cat deathly ill, and was pretty sure that’s what she got into.  To be on the safe side, I moved all the furniture in the room and vacuumed under it all and under the cushions.  Fun times…and I should have waited for assistance…it took me a couple days to recover from moving it all by myself LOL.

Miss Gilda is expecting kittens…she’s “pinked up” now and eating like a horse…and beginning to defend herself against the feline tyrant, Tia.  Tia is the sweetest cat in the world…to humans.  She can’t stand Perry or Gilda, especially if I make the mistake of holding and petting one of them in front of her.  Gilda is due October 11th…kittens ready just in time for Christmas.  I’m hoping I do everything right and she has a healthy litter…even if its just one kitten, as long as it and Gilda are happy and healthy I’ll be happy and (mentally) healthy myself 😉

That’s about all that’s going on here really other than the same old story of pain, pain, pain…and who wants to hear about that all the time.

I’m going to try to continue blogging and get back into the swing of things and start writing stuff that will actually be interesting again, but Ruby’s 4th birthday is coming up very soon, and I tend to get pretty depressed around then, so I might not be back until Christmas…who knows? 😉

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