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Archive for September, 2008

This week has been a hard one for me.  The doctor’s appointments were ok, but exhausting to go to.  Things at my mom’s were very stressful with the added company and her getting sick again suddenly, not to mention her dog, who was Mamaw’s dog, and is 2 weeks younger than Jared, got hurt and has a broken leg.  All of our stress levels skyrocketed.  By the time I got home Wednesday evening, I was stretched very thin.  Not being on my meds doesn’t help of course.

Then it really all hit the fan.  I found out that it wasn’t enough to just call me a liar…someone actually stalked me to another place on the internet.  The things this person(s) did just make no sense to me.  What is so sadly lacking in someone’s life that they feel the need to find someone they think lied to them, provide proof that is nothing more than coincidence, then when evidence IS provided, they choose to ignore it…and more importantly, set out to deliberately make that person more miserable than they themselves are, and attempt to destroy new relationships that may have been formed.  It just…it doesn’t compute for me.

Regardless, it was the final straw.  I took steps to protect myself, my emotions, my mental stability, and I haven’t looked back since.  I was upset that day, of course, but after a few hours it passed.

Then I found out, after all that, I need a new motor for my van (did I mention we JUST paid it off a month or so ago?), and of course that isn’t in the budget any time soon.  We’ve borrowed my mom’s car for the time being.

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Saturday night we had a church social, to meet a prospective pastor and his wife (we’ve been without a pastor for about a year and a half now).   I went, and I’m so glad I did.  They seem so genuine and compassionate.  She talked to me for a while…Justin and some of the others in the church have told her of my recent (and not-so-recent) medical issues, and as we talked, I felt my tension from the week loosening quite a bit.  We continued to discuss things, mainly Miss Ruby and the things she’ll face when she’s born, if she survives her birth.  I’d passed around the best of the 4D pictures, and it was easy to talk about her for once.

I told her that one of my biggest struggles has been listening to that voice I continue to hear in my head…the one that says “Let go, I’ve got this.”  The one that at first I had so much trouble trying to listen to.  As each week and month have passed by, I’ve realized that I’ve steadily given up a little more of that control, day by day.  Justin and I talked about that on the way to Jared’s band contest Saturday.  But, I haven’t been able to let go of that last little bit, and figured I never would.

As I talked to the pastor’s wife, and I told her this, suddenly a weight lifted.  I felt my face do that “ooooh wow” thing that we’ve all done at times when we suddenly realize something profound.  I was amazed…and when I walked away I was almost floating, I felt so light.  I realized in that moment…I’d done it.  I’d given it to God.  Completely.  Yes, I’m still afraid.  Yes, I’m still terrified at times that I’m going to be burying my baby.  But the inner peace I’ve felt for the past few weeks, that whatever happens, it will be ok…it suddenly just expanded and filled me up today.  I know its ok now…God has it.  He has her.  He’s always had her…it just took me a little while to let go and realize that.  He has us all.

And with that realization…nothing else really matters.  All the heartache and upset this week, the mood swings, the crying, the pain, the discomfort, the doctor’s restrictions, the financial strains…none of it matters.  God has it under control.  I just need to listen for His guidance and let Him take the wheel.

I have a feeling I’ll be sleeping better at night now…

And, I thank God for wonderful, amazing friends, some whom I’ve never met, that continue to pray for usand lift me up, make me laugh until I cry, during the times I need it the most.

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I’ve been on Facebook for a while now…I joined around the same time I re-joined MySpace and joined Classmates.com…probably January or February, somewhere around there (maybe later), because my 20th high school reunion was approaching.  It was a hassle joining Facebook…they didn’t want to accept the name “Kandy” because apparently its on a list of names used by spammers lol.  I got it worked out after a couple weeks of emailing them though.

When I was approved, I logged in maybe twice…I just didn’t have the time to figure it all out at the time.

Its 4:00 a.m.  I’ve been up for about an hour…woke up with back spasms and then when I stretched them out, Justin’s snoring wouldn’t let me get back to sleep.  After about 45 minutes of trying, I gave up and decided to log in.  There’s no one to chat with, no pages to browse, nada, and after looking at MySpace for a few minutes, I remembered Facebook.

I have a ton of friend requests…no telling how long they’ve been sitting out there *blush*.  Those were easy to figure out.  But I have all these little quiz and game requests too…and as I wade through them, I really have no clue what I’m doing lol.  I’m not all that technical.  I can do a few little things here and there, but in general, when it comes to learning something new, I’m clueless.

This isn’t rocket science…its Facebook.  Think I could blame prego brain?

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Really, I’m not.  In fact, I was pretty pissed off this morning.

I failed my one hour glucose Monday, as  I mentioned.  Ten to fifteen minutes after drinking the glucola, I got a warm flush, roaring in my ears, and nausea, but it passed in like 2-4 minutes easily.  It was uncomfortable, but nothing major.

I didn’t know the glucola they planned to give me this morning for the 3-hour glucose test has a lot more sugar in it.  This probably would have prepared me more.  I did notice it didn’t have quite the aftertaste that Monday’s did, but thought maybe I’d just gotten used to it.

Within ten minutes, I was really uncomfortable out in the waiting room.  Mom said my face turned bright red, even my ears.  I got up to walk, because I couldn’t breathe, and I figured stretching my torso out by standing up would relieve some pressure on my lungs.  I stood up and took three or four steps, and tilted sideways and fell into the chairs.  I totally freaked out at this point.  I couldn’t open my eyes because the room wouldn’t stand still and was actually jerking up and down and side to side (obviously it wasn’t, that was just my perception).  Mom got me back to my chair, and I calmed down.  Then I made my fatal mistake.  I thought a swallow of ice water would help.  I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.  I tossed it all up, and collapsed on the floor, too weak to even call out for help to get back up.

Finally I was able to get to my feet, and got a couple paper towels and wet them, and went out to tell the lab tech that I’d thrown up.  She took one look at me and freaked out and went and got my OB’s nurse.  She came in and I stood up to tell her what happened and she almost didn’t catch me in time.  Everything went black around the edges and I had such a loud roaring in my ears I couldn’t hear a word they were saying to me.  When I could hear again, I couldn’t understand what they were saying.

Eventually they got it through my skull that the test was over right then and there, and I have to come back Tuesday for another one.  They said this wasn’t good, yada yada yada.   I kinda figured out for myself that it wasn’t a normal reaction.  Mom and I sat there for a little longer, I went to throw up again, and finally we were able to leave.  It was over two hours before I felt able to eat, and it was this afternoon before my color stopped going from bright red to pale white.  I felt fine (just weak) by this afternoon.

I wondered if this meant gestational diabetes…but we had to go to my family doctor for an appointment for mom (he signed the form for me to get my permanent disabled tag while we were there), and when I mentioned my reaction to him, he said it sounded like LOW blood sugar rather than diabetes.  So, I have hope Roll

Next week will be their last chance to test me…if I have a bad reaction again, I’m calling it quits, and they can figure something else out, like letting me stick my finger several times a day and record the results for a week…that should do it, right?

So needless to say, it was quite the interesting day, and I was not a happy camper…at ALL.  But, at least we know Ruby is fine…she was kicking up quite the ruckus when I was throwing up and passing out lol.  To be honest, the whole incident was extremely embarrassing.  Hopefully it will go better next week.

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Tuesday I kinda got the feeling that the “exciting news” I’ve been hinting about might fall through after all.  I don’t want to go *too* much into detail yet, but it looks like while this would be great exposure for Miss Ruby, it won’t happen if the hospital and doctors don’t feel comfortable participating.  It’d be great exposure for them too, but right now they haven’t made up their minds (which I don’t blame…I know there is a LOT to consider that I probably have no idea about).

I’m just very very nervous and anxious now lol.  I don’t KNOW that it won’t happen if they don’t participate, that’s just the feeling I got.  And then of course I start worrying…maybe they’re hesitant because they know Miss Ruby isn’t going to make it…and I REALLY need to get my mind off THAT train of thought.

The past couple days, I’ve been struggling anyway.  I know part of it was the weather.  Bad weather and depression don’t go well together.  Miss Ruby has been kicking the fool out of me lately…and I laugh and rub my belly and tell her to calm down, or get her foot off my bladder, or move, etc etc lol…and then, almost every time, it pops into my head “What if her lungs haven’t developed?  What am I going to do then?”  I don’t like thinking about it.  Part of me can’t WAIT for this pregnancy to be over (that typical pregnancy impatience lol) and the rest of me never wants it to end, because right now…she’s safe…she’s alive and kicking (quite literally!) and I know that while she’s in there, she’s ok.

I know that I’ll get past this…the depression comes quicker and more often now, even during the daytime now (it was just at night), I could just use some prayers and encouragement.  Everything that’s happened so far has really been positive…I just have to remember that.

Oh speaking of positive things…I had another doctor from Vanderbilt call me at home today 🙂  How cool is that?  It was Miss Ruby’s cardiologist, that we saw when we were there before (the one who asked the baby’s name and proceeded to call her Ruby from then on out, and completely won me over lol), just checking to see what the other doctors had said, and to talk about our next visit.  I can’t get over how caring and wonderful everyone we’ve dealt with up there has been.  If nothing else, its so wonderful knowing that there are still medical folks in this world that really do care, and care enough to call themselves rather than have a nurse or someone else do it.  That kind of personal attention just stuns and amazes me.

So anyway.  Send some prayers our way that it all works out

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Wet But Still Here

Gustav didn’t do as much as we were afraid it would.  Parts of LA took some real damage, but so far New Orleans is still intact.  Our area got a lot of wind and rain, some tornadoes, but we made out just fine, with just some limbs and trees down, and a relatively short power outage considering how many trees were down on the lines (around 6-7 hours).  Our home itself took no damage, we didn’t even have the puppy’s cushion he sleeps on blow away (granted, it was well sheltered, but still).   Our pool is dark green from the trash that’s in it (we’re probably just gonna take it down now rather than try to get it swimmable again this year), and we have limbs and stuff all over our yard, but we didn’t take any actual damage :D

We thought it was all over, and around 5 this morning, I was asleep on the loveseat (the slant of it supports my belly a lot better than my bed does) and the wind and rain woke me up, and scared the crap out of me in the process LOL.  We got worse wind and “weather” this morning than we did yesterday…even went under yet another tornado warning.  But, it cleared up after a couple hours and now everything’s looking good.  Still overcast, but no more wind or rain, just a light breeze.

All in all, we lucked up big time.  Now if Ike and Josephine will stay out of our Gulf, we’ll be very very happy :)

What a crazy next couple weeks this will be!

I’m hoping to have another little teaser later this week about our exciting news we got last week…so stay tuned

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