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Archive for August, 2007

WildBlue SUCKS!!!

We got satellite internet a couple months ago.  It didn’t work so well.  I couldn’t play my World of Warcraft game on it hardly at all…Justin couldn’t use it for Voice Over IP for work (which is why we needed high speed internet) and the speed was not much faster than what we had on dialup, for twice the price per month.

Before signing the contract, Justin specifically asked if we could cancel it within a time frame with no penalty if it didn’t do the things we needed it to…he was told yes, within 30 days.  After two weeks, he called the people, and they came and picked up all the equipment and said that we’d be reimbursed for the equipment charges and pro-rated for the 2 weeks we didn’t use.  We just would lose the $99 installation fee.  No problem, and in fact, that happened!

Monday he realized that he had been charged out of his account for WildBlue for the past 2 months.  Neither of us keep a checkbook…we just go by the online banking thing…however, I use Quicken and download everything from the website, and then categorize everything, so I see every entry on my account.  Justin doesn’t, I’m not sure what exactly he does, but he is NEVER overdrawn and always has no problem at all.  Whatever he’d been doing worked for him…but it took him a while to notice these charges.  So he calls WildBlue and they said it didn’t work that way…that he’d signed a contract and that any “early out” was a 9 month charge of services as a termination fee.  Um what??  I asked him if he asked why they refunded almost all of the $400 it cost us to get set up, and the 2 weeks of the first month…and he said he didn’t think about it. pulling out hair

So now he’s frustrated, saying he’s going to have to cut the phone line if we have to reinstall this satellite crap (I say crap because it never was worth the $80 a month…I know it works great for some folks, but for some reason down here, with professional installation, it never worked well at all.  The best speed we ever got was around 62k, and dialup gets me 48k).  I told him to call the BBB but he’s so swamped at work he never has time.  ARGHHHH.  I feel like we have a case because they picked up the equipment, told him we’d be refunded, and DID THE REFUND…so why would they refund the equipment (ok that I can kinda understand since we didn’t have it anymore) AND the partial month’s service if they were going to turn around and charge us for 9 more months??  If there’s a 9 month fee for early cancellation, why refund the first month’s service?  Ugh.

I’m so mad I could spit.  I don’t want to have to drive to McDonald’s in Picayune (20 min away) just to play WoW lol  yeah I know, I’m pitiful lol

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So I’m sitting here watching the coverage of the 2-year anniversary of Katrina, and the groundbreaking of the memorial that’s planned in New Orleans, and everyone is bemoaning their sad situation in New Orleans still.  I watched the coverage last night too…and they focused on Mississippi a good bit.  They upset New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin by saying how Mississippi was demolished on such a larger scale than New Orleans (which still had infrastructure for the most part), and yet 98% of the residents have returned…only a small portion are still in FEMA trailers, and rebuilding is happening on a huge scale.

New Orleans residents are still looking for everyone to blame but themselves.  Oh don’t get me wrong…there were some colossal mistakes made by local, state, and federal governments.  But where’s the accountability for common sense?  You have a category 5 hurricane on a direct course for the area, and you’re going to STAY in a city below ground level where everyone has said for decades that the levees weren’t being maintained properly?  Katrina actually missed New Orleans…the eye hit US…our devastation was much worse…the levees giving way a couple days after the fact is what caused the flooding…and even though we had no power here in MS, we watched coverage for a couple hours a day when we’d crank the generators to keep the freezers frozen, and before the levees broke people were being urged to leave due to concerns over the levees.

I guess I’m frustrated because I hear horror stories at work every day (I work in Louisiana) of how people STILL are fighting with the Road Home program that LA instituted to fund rebuilding with the money that FEMA and the governement gave them.  There are fewer LA claims than MS claims, and yet the Road Home program is already running out of money due to fraud, and embezzling, and wasteful things that have been going on.  MS did things completely differently, and other than the coverage on the news last night, we’ve largely been forgotten by the nation because of the “plight of New Orleans.”

My beautiful coast will not recover for decades yet…but our people are determined to rebuild and make things better.  We’re not waiting for someone to tell us its ok to let someone else do the work for us.  We’re not crying and whining that no one helped us.  We just rolled up our sleeves and did what needed to be done.  For that…we’re ignored by the country.  Whatever.  At least we know what’s going on, what has gone on, and what is going to be done…and we know that we’re going to have to do it ourselves and not wait on the nation to help us.

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A new week

and things are a lot better.  Mom and I have somewhat made up…she got really bad Saturday night but yesterday and today acted as if nothing were wrong (other than to apologize to me).  We’re still on eggshells a bit but that can be worked out.

Work is…well its going.  I need to talk to the co-manager Wednesday if she’s there…my manager today said that she needed to see me about my hours and what can be done.  I can’t make it on 4-6 hour shifts.  It just isn’t worth the drive.  So we’ll see what happens.

This may be something really silly to be happy about, but I’m making a stew tomorrow in the crock pot and I can already taste it.  I can’t wait.  I love stew and its so easy to make.

Financial matters have taken a turn for the worse…still no child support this month, and doesn’t look like any will be forthcoming any time soon.  Its really put a crunch on us, but we’re going to get by somehow.

So anyway, things are not as bad as they were.  I’m hanging in there.  I’m still very depressed but I’m not as devastatingly depressed as I was Saturday.  I also talked to Daddy yesterday and that went well.  I miss him and wish I could see him.

This is probably a very disjointed posting…but I’m tired from a long day of work and still exhausted from all the emotional upheaval over the weekend.  Thanks those of you who gave me hugs and support.  It helped more than you could possibly know.

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I hate my life

Seriously, I really do at times.  Like today.  Mom calls, and yells at Jared because I had my mouth full and didn’t get on the phone fast enough.  I get on the phone and she hangs up then refuses to answer for 5 minutes when I tried to call back.  On a hunch, I called my brother to see if he’d pissed her off.  Of course he did.  He cussed her out…again.

A little background…they’re both to blame for every fight they’ve gotten into.  He’s irreverent and could care less what anyone thinks of him.  He’s always been stubborn and strong-willed (I guess that’s redundant), but after his head injury he got worse.  His impulse control was seriously hampered, and Mom made excuses for him.  She’s made excuses for him since he was 16 years old…and he’s 42 now.  “Its not his fault, its the head injury.”  She’s an enabler.   She tries to buy love by actions and gifts…and I’m the same way.  I get that from her I suppose.  I KNOW why I’m that way though…I have a very low self-esteem.  I’m sure Mom does too but you wouldn’t be able to tell her that.   Mom herself is to blame for their fights because 9 times out of 10 she starts them.  She nags.  She lives to worry and nag.  She would do anything for anyone, but she’ll never let you forget it.  Never.  Ever.  Get the picture?

Kevin and his wife Linda have been living on Mom’s property for 3 years now.  They don’t have jobs, and are waiting for their ship to come in…Linda was badly burned at Wendy’s and has a lawsuit pending, and “any day now” they’re going to have more money than they know what to do with.  In reality, they’ll have it spent in a month’s time…and Linda is drugged up all the time…she takes everything she can get her hands on and has almost overdosed several times.  Mom has no nerve pills left (which she NEEDS) because she gave them all to Linda because Linda “needed” them.  Did I mention Mom was an enabler?  Linda just wanted to get high and loopy.  Kevin is almost as bad.  They have no jobs and no money so Mom has been buying their cigarettes and paying all their bills.  They get alcohol and pills (and I suspect pot) from friends of theirs.  If Mom asks for help Linda is so sick she can’t talk, and Kevin’s back hurts too much.  Because of this, Mom is under a lot of pressure, and I get ranted at about that too.

So Kevin called her an evil bitch today, among a few other choice epithets that I’ll refrain from putting here.  The girls spent the night with Mom last night and witnessed the whole sordid, long exchange between them this morning.  When I finally got an answer on Mom’s phone, it was Katie, sobbing so hard I could hardly understand her.  Mom was screaming in the background “Tell her I can’t talk to her because now I have MY mouth full!”  She obviously didn’t or she couldn’t have been screaming as much as she was screaming.  I couldn’t get Mom to tell me where they were so I could go get the girls.  Finally she said she was going to my uncle’s to get her truck worked on by my cousin, and that I could get the girls after that.  I told her Justin would because I had to go to work and she yelled some more crap and I just told Katie bye so she wouldn’t get any more upset.

I went outside to get into my van…slashed tires.  Yep.  Our mailbox was trashed three days ago…Justin upset his sister and we think her lover (who happens to be her HUSBAND’S brother) did it as he drove by.  He lives right up the road, and Justin’s sister lives down the road going the other way.  We have no proof of course.  But…today my tires are slashed.  I called in to work, and I’m sure that I’ll get a D day or worse for absences.  I’m not sure where I stand on absences…I hadn’t missed any days of work since February, March at the latest, until I had that procedure done a couple weeks ago, and then I had to call in twice because of the recovery.  With today that’s 3.  You’re allowed 6 in 6 months.  If you have 3 incomplete shifts (tardies or leaving early) that equals one tardy, and never rolls off the system until it turns into an absence.  I think I had 6 the last time I missed any days…but I’m not sure.  As for incomplete shifts, I was only tardy once (and that was because the schedule changed and I had to be at work 1/2 hour earlier than I’d ever had to be there before) but I did leave early a couple times due to family emergencies and then when I had the miscarriage…although that counted as an absence because I hadn’t been at work for half my shift yet that day (less than half a shift worked = absence instead of an incomplete shift).   So…I’m worried about my job.

My ex lost his job a couple weeks ago and said he’d send what he could on the child support…so far I’ve seen nothing.  Zilch.  Nada.  Justin is flipping out about it too.  We need the child support to pay bills and make ends meet.  Maybe that’s not the actual purpose of child support…I’m sure some judge somewhere expects us to put it all away into college funds for the kids’ futures…but we don’t have that luxury.  The truth is, if Bekah were the only child we had, we’d have a lot fewer bills.  I wouldn’t trade Jared and Katie for the WORLD though.  They are my life.  All 3 of them.

Yesterday was my 7th wedding anniversary.  Justin and I fought all afternoon/evening.  I had a very very short paycheck due to the surgical procedure and missing time from work, and after paying my bills and putting gas money on the card and filling up my tank, I had $45 left.  I spent that on him.  I bought him two cards (funny and romantic…traditional for us), a WOW 2007 Christian music CD set, a bag of snack mix for work, and a fan that plugs into the cigarette lighter of his truck.  His a/c has been out for the last 2-3 years.  It wasn’t much but it was all I could afford.  We planned to go out to eat fast food and see a movie, which we did.  However when he got home I was trying to play WoW and kept dying due to the crappy dialup connection we have…it keeps lagging out, even on regular webpages, and its hard to stay connected.  I took it out on him.  I shouldn’t have, but I get so frustrated because the phone is in his name and I have to make all the service calls and half the time they give me grief because I’m not Justin.  I HATE living down here but that’s another story.  So we managed to have a decent time (we went to see “Underdog”…corny but really cute movie…the Underdog cartoon was campy so it was a very faithful movie adaptation in my opinion).  We left and went by Sam’s and he bought me a box of Raisinettes.  Happy Anniversary?  I guess.  That’s all I got.  This was the first year I didn’t get a card.  I went to bed very unhappy last night.  I wanted my card.  I’m obsessing over a folded piece of paper.  Go figure.

Back to today.  Mom apparently has been at my uncle’s, telling my aunt and him how awful her children are…that we only love her for what she can do for us, etc etc.  Katie got upset again and started yelling that I do love her, and not to talk about me that way.  So Mom calls me to come get the brats.  The brats.  In front of them.  I have no way to come, Justin was up the road at his parents’ (no surprise there…again, another long story).  She goes on and on about how terrible her children are…I get upset and I took it as long as I could and then I started arguing.  I told her I call her every day just to see how she is and never ask her for anything.  She mentioned the phone she bought me for my birthday…”you just HAD TO HAVE that $400 phone and then couldn’t pay me back so I had to pay for it…”  For the record, I wasn’t going to get the KRZR phone, I was just looking at it.  She kept on and kept on and all I had was $200 I could spare for it and she talked me into getting it and she put the difference on her credit card.  The credit card that was in my deceased step-dad’s name and which they cancelled shortly thereafter since he’s DEAD and she isn’t paying anything on.  She told me at the time it was a birthday gift.  Now she wants the other $200 back.  Fine…as soon as I get it, I’ll get it to her.  She then continues in the same vein…that she bought the kids’ school shoes…and I reminded her that I gave her the $100 for their shoes back the VERY next payday (which was like the next week) and she said “well I spent $116” and I said “I asked you to buy them SHOES and you said the SHOES cost $100 and all I had to pay you was the $100 because YOU wanted to buy them the other stuff and that was on you…but fine, I’ll give you the other $16 too” and she went off on me.  I was splitting hairs apparently.

SO then it goes to I pissed her off because I won’t spend 5 minutes in her house, I won’t hug her at all, and all I do is go spend a ton of time with the Smiths.  I started yelling that I don’t GO to the Smiths’ house, not even on Sundays, and when I DO I’m there for as brief a time as possible.  I don’t spend time there, I don’t spend time ANYWHERE except 5 days a week I’m at work and the other 2 days I’m recovering from work.  Yes, I recover.  I work 9 hour days, drive an hour each way, and get up an extra hour before that to make sure I’m ready.  I have long days.  By the time I get off I’m in so much pain from my abdomen that I can barely walk out to my van.  It takes my entire day off to recover and even then I’m not truly recovered.  I’m tired all the time.  She says I’m on the computer all the time and ignoring her and my husband and my kids.  Why yes I am on the computer.  I like my computer.  It doesn’t yell and scream and nag at me.  If I were ignoring my husband and my kids however, I wouldn’t be doing any of the things I do with them, so I’m not sure where she got that one from.  I have neglected my living room though.  Its a wreck with Bekah’s toys.  Half the crap is junk that Mom insists on buying her every time she has her…she takes her to the flea market and just loads her up on CRAP and then gets mad when I throw it out.  I can’t win there.  As for the hugs…I don’t hug anyone but my kids, and then only briefly.  “You were raised differently.”  Yes I was, and she didn’t like it when I told her she ALWAYS suffocated me and I couldn’t do anything about it as a kid but I could push away as an adult.  Especially now…when you hug someone, you lean…when you lean, you use your abdominal muscles.  Put two and two together woman!  I hug her…I don’t hang on to her, and I don’t like to be hung on to.  I don’t like her to kiss me…I’m not big on kissing adults.  Never have been.  I like to kiss my husband, but he apparently doesn’t like to kiss me as much as I would like.  Another long story.

While my mom was at my uncle’s, my stepsister called.  In the will my stepdad did before he ever met and married my mom, he left his truck to Kelly’s son Shawn.  After he married mom, he redid his will and left the truck to Mom, knowing that she would need dependable transportation.  However, he never got the will signed.  BUT the old will was never signed either…its not legal and Mom took it to a lawyer to make sure.  Still, she gave my stepsisters and stepbrother everything the old will left to them, except for the truck because she needed it.  A month or so ago she was backing up and banged the front fender into a tree and messed up the wheel.  Kelly saw her in town today and called…Mom didn’t answer her cell because she was still mad at Kevin (and apparently at me; this was before she and I talked though) so Kelly sent her a text message, saying something to the effect that they’d seen her in town and saw she’d torn up the truck, and why was it torn up, and she’d better call her and explain it.  A couple weeks ago she’d called Mom asking if Shawn was still going to get the truck in a year’s time.  Mom never said he’d get it in a year.  She told Kelly after Dick died that if she could get something dependable to drive, she’d make sure Shawn got the truck.  Shawn has a job…Mom doesn’t.  Shawn has a car…Mom only has the truck.  So Mom is pissed as hell at Kelly and THAT is being taken out on me too.

This is getting long but it has to…I REALLY have to get this all out.  I sat there and listened, with tears running down my face, for a LONG time while Mom was saying how terrible her kids treat her, how bad we are, etc etc etc.  She said its not HER fault I’m bipolar (she told Katie that) and a bunch of other stuff about me being moody and messed up and crap, all to my 11 year old daughter who has emotional issues of her own.  Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and that’s when I started my yelling and arguing.  I took it as long as I could, and I was at the sobbing stage myself before I finally stood up for myself.  Why did it take so long?  Because Mom has been so fragile emotionally since Dick died in December, and then Mamaw died in March.  I’ve taken it and taken it and taken it, and I just can’t take it anymore.  Surprisingly she didn’t hang up on me until I’d said most of what I wanted to say, but everything I said she negated and turned around that its all my fault and not hers.  She was really hung up on “visiting the Smiths” and me not hugging her.  I hugged her…I didn’t let her hang all over me.  She said sometimes she NEEDS to hang and be hung on…I told her I was sorry I couldn’t do that all the time.  I DID do it when Dick and Mamaw died…it was physically painful and kinda freaked me out mentally but I DID it because she’s my mom and she needed it right then.

My needs don’t matter because they’re selfish needs and I wasn’t raised this way.  Well excuse me Mom…did Mamaw raise you to be a nagging bitch?  No?  Gee that sure is how you come off a lot.  I love her…I really do and would do anything for her…but she wants more than I can give and then screams at me when I TRY to give it and can only give a portion (the hugging thing).  A hug is a simple thing you say?  Sure it is.  I don’t have any problem at ALL with a simple hug.  Its the embracing/clutching/hanging on/suffocating thing I can’t handle.

I’m terrified that I’ve lost my job too.  I don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills.  I’m sure it’ll be ok, but still.  One more thing to add to the mix.  Had I not had flat tires when I got off the phone with Mom, I kid you not, I would have driven off in a fury, and probably crashed into a tree or driven off a bridge…on purpose.  I took my frustration/anger/hurt out on Justin and cussed at him pretty bad because he ticked me off…it wasn’t his fault at all…but I couldn’t stop myself.  I’m turning into her and its driving me crazy.  I actually went inside and took the .9mm out of the drawer and checked the load and looked down the barrell.  I was so upset.  My finger was never anywhere near the trigger and I checked the safety after I checked the load but I wanted so badly to just not be hurting anymore.

No one say “go get help now!”  It ain’t happening.  I KNOW I’m off my meds, and I know I need to be back on them.  Tell my insurance company that.  The money isn’t here now for anything but bills and gas to/from work and a few groceries for my lunches…it sure as hell isn’t here for meds that my insurance company is fighting me on.  Yes, there are assistance programs out there…sure if you have the time and the inclination to pursue them and fight.  I don’t.  I don’t have the energy.  Its weeks and weeks of paperwork and faxing and driving and harassing people and I have all I can do just to get to work and back.

I’m ok now…typing all this out has helped a lot.  I’m just so drained and so emotional.  I used to be witty and funny, and lately I feel like an empty shell that has nothing worthwhile to offer anyone.  I know that isn’t the case…I’m just tired.  Vegas can’t get here soon enough…and yet there’s this small part of me that knows that I’m going to be just as miserable there.

I do feel better anyway.  Guess this is helping quite a bit.

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I don’t know how to talk to people.  Apparently anyway.  This really bothered me.  I was told all week to “get on” people if they took long breaks/lunches, spoke inappropriately, did something wrong, etc.  There were only 2 people I actually “got on” and that was very mild.  I spoke quietly and pretty nicely I thought, and just “reminded” them that we only need to take 15 minute breaks (they took 35 and 40 respectively).  One of them started crying, and I mentioned that to another CSM, and she said that she wasn’t going to say anything but a lot of people were complaining that I didn’t know how to talk to people…that I was rude and abrupt, mean, etc.  She said this in front of two other cashiers.  I laughed it off and then when we were alone asked her about it.  She isn’t one to gossip much and wouldn’t give me any indication who said what exactly, but it upset me nonetheless.  I told her there were only 2 people I’d said anything to, and she indicated that a lot more than 2 were complaining.

Now…I know that since I became CSM there have been some issues.  I feel like there is a small faction that is out there trying to get me in trouble, and I’ve been ignoring it and just doing my job the best way I can.  I know there will always be people that are disgruntled or just like to start crap.  I’m an easy target.  I get that.

I did run my mouth too much a few times.  There were times I got VERY aggravated and I spoke without thinking.  I’ve worked REALLY hard since then to make sure I moderate my tone and choice of words.  If anything, I’ve been sickly sweet (to me anyway).

So the rest of my night last night was pretty much ruined.  Valid complaints rarely get to me much…I take it to heart and try not to make the same mistake twice.  What I feel are unfair complaints really do me in however.  I just couldn’t stop thinking about it, trying to figure out who I’d said or done anything to in a rude or abrupt manner.  I couldn’t think of ANYTHING.  That doesn’t mean nothing happened…but something that may have been so insignificant in my mind that I immediately forgot about it may very well have really hurt someone and stood out in their mind.  I just wish I knew what that was.

I teared up a lot last night…my abdomen started hurting again Tuesday…and today I’m in a lot of pain.  But last night I just couldn’t get my mind back on task…oh sure, I did my job, and did it as well as I’ve been doing it (how well that is exactly is up to debate apparently…it seemed a good job to me at any rate)…but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the CSM’s comments.  I did manage to stay upbeat and somewhat cheerful to everyone, but I was crying inside.

Why did I let it affect me so much?  I’ve been a stellar employee…a real stand out in every situation I’ve been in.  Now I’m a CSM and it seems like I’m doing NOTHING right.  This bothers me.  Maybe its just my pride that is being bruised…I’m used to nothing but compliments, and now it seems like I’m getting nothing but complaints.  Perhaps I am out of my element.  Maybe I do need to just forget about CSM and go back down to Money Center.  That injures my pride too.  I don’t like to think I may be a failure.

I’d just about made up my mind as I was getting my purse out of my locker last night that I was just going to forget about CSM and the whole thing, and go back down to Money Center…when something…happened.  I’d been praying “God, please let me moderate my temper, and my comments, and actions…everything.  Give me patience and guidance to do the right things in any situation that may arise…help me Lord”, that sort of thing.  A cashier came in to clock out…and this is where the interesting thing happened.

A little background…I trained this cashier.  We never “hit it off”…there was always some awkwardness, and I think she looked at me as the typical racist white cow, due to the way she’d react to me.  I put it out of my mind, knowing that I can’t win everyone over.  She’d gone overnight for a couple months, and this week came back to regular hours.  I didn’t make any special effort with her…I treated her as I’ve always done, and in fact as I treat everyone.

So she clocks out, looks at me, and this conversation follows:

Her: Good night Kandy!
Me:  Good night  _____! (censoring for privacy)
Her: *walking away, stopping, coming back* By the way, thank you so much.
Me: For what?
Her:  For everything you’ve done for me this week…you’re the only person who has made sure I got my breaks and lunches…you were the fastest one when I needed something, and you were just really on the ball and helpful and nice.  So I wanted to tell you thank you.
Me:  Well, you’re welcome!

She walked out and I stood there stunned.  That wasn’t exactly the conversation…to be honest much of it is a blur.  But I’d been standing there at my locker with tears in my eyes, completely despondent.  Did God send me a message?  I like to think so.  I certainly felt better and the “You don’t know how to talk to people” comment isn’t bothering me nearly as much as it did (though I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me at all anymore).

Maybe its all going to be ok, and I need to just make sure that I continue to be aware of how I respond to people and situations.  I know that I CAN be abrupt when I’m rushed, and I’ll try to keep a closer eye on that and make sure I’m not giving the wrong impression.

Still, for a black girl that has never treated me as if she liked me at all to suddenly stop, come back and thank me for something I didn’t even make an effort to do…wow.  I was just being me.  Maybe I’m not quite so bad after all.  It certainly encouraged me at a time when I really needed it.

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In Memory…

A friend of mine posted today that her dear daughter would have been 11 today.  I’m not sure of the details, because I always thought it was too sensitive a topic to inquire about, but she lost a daughter at birth (premature I think, but not sure) 11 years ago today.  I do know that her memory has been very important to my friend.

This is hard for me to understand in a way due to all my miscarriages I suffered.  I delivered one baby at 19 weeks, 3 days gestation.  Because it wasn’t 20 weeks, they called it a spontaneous abortion, not a stillbirth.  That was hard for me.  I never got to hold her, but I did get to see her.  She looked like a perfect, but very small, little baby.  I didn’t name her, and didn’t get to bury her.  Perhaps that’s the difference…I hardened myself against my feelings.

I want to comfort my friend…and I don’t know how.  Lord, please give her and her husband comfort today…and every day.  I know that little girl is in Your care, and will be waiting to greet her parents one day.

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Oncology…or not?

So I have my next oncology appointment Thursday.  First I have another CT scan, then bloodwork, then the doctor visit.  I’m thinking of skipping it.

Here’s why.  First, I’ve seen my surgeon every 3 months since the surgeries last year, and he does the CT scan and the bloodwork.  The last time I saw him was in March, and he moved me to 6 month appointments…and that one will be coming up in October or so.  He’s the one who tried to get me not to do all the testing and biopsies they did on me last October, because he’d seen the images and was *positive* that what was showing up was scar tissue, because it was right where they’d removed 80% of my liver.  I was persuaded by all the oncologists though, and now have a permanent purple spot on my torso where the biopsy left a mark, and they said “Well it was just scar tissue.”  Doh.  Anyway, I trust my surgeon.

Second, I’m tired of being stuck.  They have to use a huge IV for the CT scan because they have to force a lot of contrast through fast.  It takes several sticks to find a vein that will hold up, then when I go for my bloodwork, it takes several more sticks, and most of the time the blood they collect coagulates before they can get enough due to my veins collapsing on them.  Its an ordeal to say the least.  The last visit, I was stuck 7 times.  They got a vein all 7 times, and all 7 times the vein collapsed during the process, leaving a huge knot under the skin and black and blue marks all over my arms.  They were pretty sore too.  I broke down into tears last time.

Third, I believe that God healed me.  I understand that I’m a high risk now since I apparently am genetically predisposed (according to the doctors) for cancer, and have had two different forms of cancer (7 years apart).   I know that it may very well be in His plan that I have cancer again one day.  However, I don’t think I’ll ever have breast cancer again…nor do I think I’ll ever have hepatacellular carcinoma again (the form of liver cancer I had).  I believe that if I get cancer again, it’ll be unrelated to the two forms I’ve had already.  Why?  I dunno…its just a feeling I have.

I guess its a good thing I don’t smoke or drink anymore though…no point in throwing caution to the winds…

So I guess I’m going to cancel my appointments Thursday…I just hope its not a decision I end up regretting.  Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if I was moved to 6 month appointments or to annual appointments with my surgeon.   I’m thinking now that it went so well that he said it’d be a year.  Uh oh.  Still…I don’t know.

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