Archive for January, 2008

It was brought to my attention recently that none of my online friends have ever seen my scars from almost two years ago…and while I’m really embarrassed, I figured what the hell. I have 3 kids to explain the stretch marks, and the heart meds I’m on have caused me to gain 14 pounds in the past 3 weeks, so I’m flabbier than I was 3 weeks ago. Still…while I find my abdomen horrible to look at now, I have been told that I need to look at it as a blessing and not a curse. Hard to do.

Anyway. I warned ya…


Notice the three round scars in a diagonal pattern running from the lower left on up…the first and third ones are drain holes, the middle one (to the side of my belly button) is where I was touched with a latex glove during one of my surgeries. The surgeons admitted it was an accident. It made a horrible, thumb-sized wound at the time, but now is a red bubble. The little dots above and below the partial chevron incision are where internal stitches worked their way out and I got staph infection in the process. I still to this day have stitches pop through the skin now and then and make bad marks. There are two other drain scars, but I couldn’t show those because one is in my bikini line and one is in my chest, just underneath my right breast. Ya’ll REALLY don’t want to see those…TRUST me!

Also, you may notice my left ribs have more definition in the picture than my right ribs (the lower part of the ribcage)…they almost had to break ribs to get the tumor out, and to this day, my ribcage is misaligned.  My surgeon and other doctors said they really can’t fix it without more surgery, and that’s not guaranteed.  When I lie flat, my left ribs stick up a full inch or more higher than my right ribs.  Its very uncomfortable too, and if I’m lying on a hard surface like an exam table, pressing on my left ribs causes incredible pain.

But…I’m here 😉


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Laurie and Kristina, thanks for your comments :) I realized from reading though that I wasn’t 100% clear on my thoughts…

When I said I never *really* wanted a tattoo…in actuality, I never seriously considered getting one, partly because I don’t like to pluck my eyebrows, so the thought of a tattoo just made me cringe. And, I never wanted one that would show. But secretly, I always liked the idea of a small, discreet one…I even tossed up getting one on my ankle for a while, but never made the step of even entering a tattoo parlor.

Why get one if no one would see it? Because I see my scar. When I undress to take a shower, I avoid the mirror at all costs (which is hard to do with my bathroom design…3 walls have large mirrors). When I glance down at my abdomen, I feel ill. I hate it that much.

I love dragons. I’ve always loved dragons. Whenever I’d see a really well-executed dragon tattoo, I always commented on it to the owner, who would be shocked that I loved them so much but wouldn’t get one myself. I’m no shrink, but I somehow think that if I see something I LIKE to look at, I’ll get used to looking at myself in the mirror. No, I won’t like myself any better (which I’m trying to work on), but at least I could face myself in the mirror again, if that makes any sense.

A few examples of what I’ve always loved looking at…

I love this one…the stylization, the colors, everything. The only thing I don’t like is the location…I’d never get one on most of my arm like that (or even part of my arm).

Invert this one, and it would be the perfect shape to go under or above my scar…but I’m not crazy about the dragon itself…just the shape of the pattern…

I like this one too…

I have NO IDEA why my pictures are going all screwy in my posts…rather than posting the way they look when I preview, they get put next to each other, and I don’t know how to fix it. It seems to be doing it in every theme I use now, so I give up.

But anyway, I can’t get this idea out of my head, which is why I’m hesitant to do it at all.  You’re probably saying “whaaa?” but the truth is, that I have compulsive behavior due to my bipolar disorder…and I don’t trust my own thinking much of the time when I get obsessed about something…and I almost feel as if I’m obsessed about getting this done to my abdomen.

Besides, I too have a tattoo on my abdomen already…its a tiny dot from my liver procedure.  It annoys me even though most people never even notice it.  It annoys me because its just “out there” LOL.

I like the idea of starting with something small that can then be covered…so maybe we’ll see what happens…still, I won’t be doing anything any time soon…like I said, I tend to not trust my decision-making process when I’m obsessed about something

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getting a tattoo. Justin insists he’ll divorce me if I do so, but ya know, I’m 37 (almost 38!) years old and I’ve never had one…its not like I’m going to rush out and tattoo my entire body or anything. What I want will be discreet and hidden and very very few people would even see it.

When we went to Vegas in September, there was a famous tattoo parlor in the hotel next to ours (we were in The Flamingo). I went in and the guy there was SO nice…I told him I wasn’t going to get one that day because mainly I am broke and just wanted to have an idea of prices but also if a tattoo was even possible where I wanted it. I showed him my scar. *gasp*. I showed a total stranger, a VERY large man, the scar that I show very few people. I explained that I want a dragon, probably a Chinese style since my scar is long and almost S shaped (its a 3/4 chevron incision running from the curve of my waist on the right side up and under my sternum and back down to within 3 inches of the curve of my waist on the left side). He felt of my scar and the surrounding tissue…I have very little feeling around my scar (virtually none up under my sternum) from all the surgeries and the nerve damage, so I’m not worried about pain. The guy was really professional and gave me the truth. A tattoo might be possible eventually, but he felt I should wait a while for a variety of reasons. One, I’m 37 and have never had a tattoo. Two, the tissue still has some inflamed areas around the scarring, most notably around the four small scars where they inserted drains. All in all, it was an informative and productive trip, and he gave me some good advice. He also said that I needed to make sure I had a very good artist with experience tattooing over scars, otherwise I wouldn’t necessarily be happy with the results.

I think I’ve found someone with experience…Justin would freak if he knew but I couldn’t resist going into a local shop during my last trip north for a doctor visit. This guy too said that he felt the tissue wasn’t ready yet, although the tissue around it would be fine for a tattoo. He also suggested getting the tattoo above or below my scar, in case my liver cancer returned one day and I had to have surgery again, it wouldn’t ruin my tattoo. What I want will be very expensive as it will cover a lot of area and have a lot of color in it. He suggested doing a temporary tattoo (wears off in a week to 10 days) to let me try it out and see if its something I want to do. The temporary one he’d only charge me $25 for his time (it’d take over an hour), and I think that’s reasonable.

So now I have a decision to make. Do I try out the temporary one, and see if Justin will warm up to the idea? I can’t do anything ANYTIME soon because there is absolutely no extra money (hopefully I’ll be able to get disability approved soon!) but its something I can save towards.

I’ve never *really* wanted a tattoo. I’ve always been turned off by them. Its just that I hate my scar so much…I know I shouldn’t hate it…in a way it saved my life, right? But, I do hate it, and that fact isn’t likely to change any time soon. But, in the past year or so, the idea has appealed to me more and more. Its not like I’m going to be displaying it to the world…this would be just for *me*. I don’t even let Justin see my scar very often. I’m not going to be flaunting it to the world, saying “HEY! I’m a biker babe! I’ve got TATTOOS!!!” It will be discreet, and never shown by any clothing I wear.

Decisions decisions.

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I saw this referenced on Animal Planet’s “2007: The Year in Animals” today (I DVR’d it on Sunday) and had to do some digging and look it up. The link is here.

In July, a 42-pound African tortoire named Bob was stolen from the backyard of his home in Ventura, California, and mutilated by Jose “Tony” Mosqueda. Mosqueda was sentenced today to 270 days in jail and 5 years probation for felony animal cruelty, according to KNBC.com. Bob survived some horrific treatment: His legs and neck were slashed and his shell punctured; he was thrown against a wall. Mosqueda had to pay $5,400 in veterinary bills and other costs.

Meanwhile, the family who owns the tortoise says their pain continues, and the ordeal has been particularly hard on a 12-year-old autistic boy who was making great strides in his development before the vicious attack. The boy’s mother, Dorothy Sullivan, said the tortoise, named Bob, was her son’s lifeline “out of the silent world of autism,” KNBC’s Chuck Henry reported.

“Bob brought out my son’s speech, and allowed him to interact with the world,” Sullivan said. “Since Bob’s attack, my son has struggled; he has regressed tremendously.”

Sullivan also claims the family has been threatened, and she says the family’s dachshund was poisoned because she refused to drop the charges against Mosqueda. Police said they were continuing to investigate.

“We have received death threats, and I was told (my son and I) would ‘get one in the head; if we did not drop the charges,” Sullivan said. “… I have had to put my son in therapy, and his seizures have returned; he had been seizure-free for a year prior to this event. After years of working with my son he was having his best year. (But) … now my son is afraid that he will be taken and harmed. It is difficult for an autistic child to trust enough to leave the silent world of autism, and my son had finally emerged into our world. Now we have to fight to keep him from going silent again.”

Once again, one wonders if it’s really autistic children only who need to learn “social skills” and “appropriate behavior,” and compassion.

What gets me is that the guy is getting a slap on the wrist. OK I get that many people don’t believe animals are as important as people, but in this case, a real person was proven to be harmed. A defenseless autistic child had his world ripped out from under him. What could possess a person to be so cruel? And why couldn’t they charge him for assaulting the child as well or SOMETHING. I mean honestly. I honestly believe if people convicted of cruelty to animals or children or anyone else weaker than them had the same things done to them as punishment, there’d be less of it in the world.

I hope the jerk gets what’s coming to him.

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