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Archive for June, 2008

Its after midnight, and I have to get up in just over 5 hours to get ready to go to the doctor. So why am I still awake? For the same reason I’m waiting to go to the doctor. I’ve had a nasty cough for days now, that’s steadily gotten worse, and its to the point that I’m not sleeping, having contractions and abdominal spasms after a particularly bad coughing fit (this happens a few times a day) and I’m miserable and losing my voice. Other than that, I’m not sick AT ALL. Its just a weird cough. I’m hoping he can give me something I can take for it, and that I might get a chance at another ultrasound to check on the baby. I wasn’t able to bring myself to ask for a picture on the 29th and the 30th ultrasounds (of May) because I was so upset about the bad news about the baby’s heart.

I was going to rant a bit about being called a liar lately, and wrote the longest post I’ve ever written on this blog, but I’ve decided to let it go for now and just say a few things. I know the truth. My doctors all know the truth. My insurance company knows the truth (and probably wishes they’d never heard of me). The government knows the truth since after reviewing my medical records from different hospitals and doctors and clinics, even different states, they approved me for disability in less than a month’s time.

I’ve been a bit of a hypochondriac the last two years, and that’s my own fears and low self-esteem coming out there. After not going to the doctor for years except to have a baby, I finally go, and almost die. Now, every little twinge makes me wonder “but what if it might be…?” and I go into panic mode. Definitely my own fault for being so annoying in that aspect. Not pretty, not nice to be around, but it definitely does NOT make me a liar.

The person with the little nasty emails (you know who you are)…kiss my foot and get a life. Find something better to do than to harass someone who has enough on their plate. You don’t know me at all (probably don’t even know my real name), and making bets on when my lies will end and how, and finding humor in my current situation, makes YOU the sad individual(s), not me. There are times I wish I were lying, simply because my life would be easier. Oh well.

And, I really hope when all is said and done, that you realize you were wrong, and have the guts to at least apologize to me in private. If not, well it just proves my point about how sad you are. If, God willing, this baby is born alive and has a chance at a future with whatever Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia can do for us, don’t expect pictures. I won’t put my child’s pain out there just to have you accuse me of trying to elicit more sympathy or “faking some proof.” So keep your emails to yourself, and snide comments posted elsewhere. No matter how bad you’ve made me feel the past 3 weeks, know that I would NEVER wish this on you or your child.

For those of you who are still praying for us, thank you from the bottoms of our hearts.

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We all know the story of the first rainbow…and how its God’s promise to us never again to flood the earth. But, rainbows have meant so much more to me all my life. Its hard to explain, but I can’t see a rainbow in the sky without getting excited and exclaiming out loud “OH! A rainbow!!!” Living in south MS almost all of my life (minus the few years I was in the military), I have plenty of opportunities to see rainbows on a regular basis. We get a lot of rain down here. A lot. And even when we don’t get rain, we get rainbows because of the moisture in the air.

Justin and I were driving out to his brother’s this afternoon to return his trailer Justin had borrowed, and I had my hand on my belly, pressing to feel the baby. I’ve really been able to feel it a lot the past couple weeks…that hard little grapefruit that I normally get so much pleasure from feeling. I was sitting there with tears in my eyes, and silently praying the same prayer I’ve been praying for the past few weeks…God, please, please PLEASE take care of this baby! I glanced out Justin’s window and saw…a gorgeous rainbow. Not only did I cry out “Look!! A rainbow!!” but the tears in my eyes started flowing down my cheeks.

I don’t believe the rainbow is “just” a promise not to flood the earth again. I think its a promise of God’s grace and kindness and patience with us, his all-too-human creations. I like to think that rainbow today was a promise to me that all would be well with this baby, even if its not the “well” that I wish desperately for.

When we got home, I was talking to the kids, and prayer came up, and I explained that there are no unanswered prayers, we just don’t always like the answer, or refuse to accept it. My twelve year old daughter pipes up and says “God ALWAYS answers our prayers…its just that sometimes the answer is no.” You could have heard a pin drop in our living room. Justin and I just looked at each other, smiled, and nodded. She may not be a child exactly anymore, but she definitely speaks with wisdom that amazes me continually.

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Because he does little things that make no sense just to make me happy. A couple years ago I saw something I TOTALLY did NOT need at Ace Hardware and commented on it. I’ve joked a couple times since then that I’d really like it, but had forgotten lately.

The past week has been understandably hard and emotional on me, and my husband came home and gave me a “happy.” He paid $5.35 for THIS (but I hugged him and am secretly not upset about the overpriced amount for something so simple lol):

Forgive the poor quality of the picture…I used my laptop camera as I’m currently lying in bed, watching TV, blogging, and eating a salad (yeah, I eat in bed…sue me lol) because I’m cramping so much it hurts to sit up in a regular chair…and I was being lazy and didn’t feel like going to drag out the huge SLR camera with its multiple lenses and all that jazz. So, you have a nice view of my pillow (because I’m not “camera-ready” today), the top of my headboard, and part of the wall on the other side of my room thanks to the mirrored headboard lol. But hey, at least I got the picture, right?

Donald Duck is my favorite Disney character…I LOVE him and always have. Considering what a Disney Freak I am, Justin thought the new house key would cheer me up…and its HUGE too so I’ll never have to fumble in the dark for the right key lol. Notice the Patriotic Mickey Ears keychain from Disney World a few years ago ;) Well, its not patriotic right now…its holographic…in the picture you can see the red and white stripes…but when you turn it, you get a blue background with white stars. Its cool looking, which is why I got it considering I’m not a Mickey fan.

So anyway…I think I’ll keep the hubby…he has his good moments

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