Archive for March, 2007

Dark times?

I’m having a rough go of it lately. Where to start?

I was asked to consider CSM (Customer Service Manager) at work. I was told I was a virtual shoe-in for the position. I had SEVERAL CSM’s recommend me as their pick. I was not chosen…Daniel was. Now, I’m happy for Daniel…he’s going to be a really good CSM. He’s kind, he’s smart, he’s patient and considerate to the customers, even the hard to deal with ones, and while he gets along with darned near everyone, he isn’t “buddy buddy” like some of the CSM’s are. He’s going to do really well. I was told I wasn’t picked because I don’t have open availability. They also want to move me over to the Customer Service desk, but again, I don’t have open availability, so I told them I’d think about it and see what I could do with the availability issue.

I’m actually somewhat relieved. Yes, I DID want it…I DO want it…but I prayed that God would show me…and he did. I’m really really stressed out, and sliding down again, and the last thing I need is the stress of a new position, management at that. I LOVE my job and don’t want to lose it or do anything to mess it up like I do so often due to the bipolar crap. Right now, just about everyone loves me, literally…I’m not just saying that to make myself look good. I feel HAPPY at work…I’m well-liked, everyone wants to work with me whenever we do anything in pairs/groups…oh that feels so good and gives me a MUCH needed boost.

I’m feeling though…ragged out. The pain has gotten better lately actually…I’m not even having to take Tylenol PM to sleep most nights. Oh its still there, don’t get me wrong, but either I’m dealing with it better or its lessened a lot. However, 3-4 nights a week I’m in terrible pain…but that’s an improvement from 7 nights a week. Tonight for instance…I’m on percoset, phenergen, and Tylenol PM. I had no choice. I got up and went to the bathroom, and emptying my bladder caused that terrible pain behind my incision again…I don’t understand it…if anything it should LESSEN pain because its not pushing on anything when its empty, but instead, it always makes it worse. I started crying it hurt so bad. For a solid hour, whenever I got up and had to walk, I had to do it completely bent over at the waist because if I straightened up I wanted to scream from the pain.

THIS kind of pain is what gets to me. I’m sick and TIRED of saying “I’m in terrible pain, please do something about it” every time I go to the doctor. I’m sick and tired of hearing “I don’t know what to tell you…” from the doctors. I’ve had a couple recommendations for a pain clinic and pain specialist, but the doctors recommending were supposed to also get an appointment for me, and that hasn’t happened yet. Not only that, every time I’ve remembered to call myself, I haven’t been able to due to working…and then when I remember again its too late or the weekend or whatever.

I haven’t cried for Dick yet. I haven’t cried for Mamaw yet. I feel like the absolute worst person in the world. I loved Dick…I was crazy about him. I miss being able to call him and ask advice on some theological point…or seeing a history show on TV and being able to call him and tell him its on so we can “watch” it together over the phone. I miss hearing him teach his classes (Sunday School and special religious study groups). He was THERE for me in the hospital last year. He was THERE when Bekah was born, and was soooo proud. He was there for me when Mom would have one of her … well, she’d need to vent and I was her target. She honestly had no idea how she treats those of us she loves…and we forgive her because … if I needed a kidney, Mom would give me hers. If I needed a lung, Mom would give me hers. If I needed a HEART, Mom would give me hers if she could find a doctor to do it. She would do anything for anyone that she loves, and anything in her power for just about anyone regardless of how well she knows them. She’s one of the best people I know…she just has a real issue with anxiety and stress.

Digressing from Dick…I’m terrified for Mom. She has … crap must be the drugs, I can’t remember the name, but her heart is NOT in good shape. She’s collecting fluid, and has to take a nitro pill more times than I’m comfortable with. She’s under a terrible amount of stress, and…oh God I can’t lose her…not now. She took care of me in the hospital…massaged my feet and legs for hours when the meds and such gave me terrible cramps…bathed me…shaved my legs…brushed my hair…sang to me…cheered me up…PRAYED WITH ME and for me. She saved my life…I know I almost died the night I had my “vision” in the hospital, and she prayed with me and helped me get saved again. No matter what anyone thinks, I believe I would have died that night if I hadn’t turned to God.

Mamaw. I’m the worst granddaughter in the world. I’ll post more on that later. I’m too exhausted now. Jared came in and we talked for 35 min and now the drugs are kicking my butt.


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Mamaw died Monday, March 12, sometime before dawn.

As for how I’m feeling right now…I’m just going to cut and paste from a post on my board earlier…

Every time I’ve started to “lose it”…I’ve been interrupted. Tonight Justin started snoring while I was talking about Mamaw so I rolled over to sleep, and started to sob…shoulders shaking, pulling my hair, but not making any sound…and it woke him up and he held me and told me to let it out and I took a deep breath and STARTED to…and his mom called (10:24 mind you). I immediately dried up. So now I’m talking to Mom on the phone and I just…I…heck. I guess I’m in shock or something. I was expecting it…I’m relieved…she told me she never dated (after Papaw died) because she’d loved greatly and why settle for anything less…so I know she’s with Papaw and happy and picking at Dick and Jay (my two stepdads) and holding her babies again (Billy Wayne and Freddy)…and I know I’m grieving for me…but God this sucks!

Jared is talking to Mom on the phone now…he sprained his wrist playing outside with some of the cousins this evening…and I’m trying to hold it together because he’s been crying off and on since yesterday…but I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere.

I don’t think I’m going to say anything at the funeral…I’m not sure what to say anyway…and I have a feeling I’d choke up too much. I’d like to sing for her, but I’m not sure that I can. The tulips Karan and I bought for her are gorgeous…and we’re going to plant the bulbs on her grave, and that would please her. Maybe I’ll ask Carol to send me some more bulbs from Holland (she can get some cheap that are outrageous here).

I’m rambling. I’ve been awake for close to 48 hours…lets see…42 hours now. Mamaw was THE most important person in my life growing up…and I want to slap all my cousins and uncles and aunts so much. Well not my cousin Chan or my uncle David…they were with Mom and me a lot as far as visiting/taking care of Mamaw…but the rest of them can take a flying leap for all I care. Tonight they were saying she didn’t look like herself…well no, she’s been embalmed, was wearing makeup for the first time in her life, but she was so beautiful to me…and I finally had enough and snapped “Well if you’d bothered to visit her at all in the last 2 years you’d see how beautiful she looks, and that it DOES look like her because this is how she was looking lately!!” and I had to just walk out of the funeral home and sit down on the grass and stare at the sky so I wouldn’t cry or scream.

I knew it was going to hurt…I knew it was going to suck. I told Justin that Mamaw never did anything bad…she was a genuinely good person through and through, and if this happening to her was a punishment for something she did wrong earlier in life, then I’m SCREWED. Then I said that she didn’t have to know Daddy or Uncle Charles (her oldest child) were in prison, or that Dick had died, so maybe it was a blessing…but oh man. Mrs. McGilberry, her roommate, heard her struggling for breath and got up and called the nurses but they didn’t come in, and she held Mamaw’s hand until she stopped breathing…she said she never woke up so we know it was peaceful at least.

I miss you so much Mamaw…now more than ever…but I’m praying that you and Papaw and Billy Wayne and Freddy and Jay and Dick and your brother and sisters and your parents…I pray you’re all having a grand reunion up in Heaven right now…

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