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Archive for the ‘Ruby Mae’ Category

I’m so sick of this.  I just want to be normal, seriously.  Just once…please?

My OB suspects I may be developing pre-eclampsia.  My BP has been *perfect* every single visit except for one where I was too low and one where I was *slightly* high but I was in pain that day too and it was normal the next visit.  Today?  150/80.  Not a terribly big deal…140/90 is where they worry about pre-eclampsia, but even though my bottom number was good, the fact that I had protein in my urine (TMI I know) changes the equation.  So for the next 24 hours, I get to tinkle in a jug and bring it back to the doctor on Friday.  If they determine I’m truly developing pre-eclampsia, I guess I’ll be delivering this week.  Not really sure.  When I had it with Katie, I conveniently didn’t develop it until two days before my scheduled c-section, so it all worked out.

This is really a minor thing right now.  I feel ok for the most part…just really really tired.  Dragging my belly around is getting interesting to say the least…I’m definitely larger than I was with any of the other three kiddos.  I guess I’m just frustrated because its *one more thing* that makes this all seem less than real.   Sometimes I doubt myself.

Oh I did get him to put me back on my antidepressants today.  I want to have it started in my system…I meant to get started back on them two weeks ago at my last appointment and I forgot to ask him.  Still, it’ll help to have a week’s worth in me before the delivery…it won’t be fully effective yet, but it’ll help.

So that’s about it.  We’re still “on” to go into the hospital next Wednesday morning for the bowel prep, and to deliver Thursday the 20th.  Its almost over…bittersweet.

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Last Appointment?

I’m going back to my regular OB this morning.  I *think* this will be my last prenatal appointment, since I’m scheduled to go into UMC next week to have the baby.

I have very mixed emotions.  I’ve mentioned before part of me will be glad when this is over and done with…but I’m loving watching my belly grow, and feeling her move and kick and stick those little (ha! more like BIG) feet through my ribs…I’m really going to miss this feeling.  Even should a wonderful miracle happen and she makes it, I’m still going to miss this feeling…I never thought I’d have another baby…and I just love all the things you experience while pregnant.  OK well I won’t miss the morning sickness, and heartburn, and ligament pain, and swollen feet and legs and hands, and…and…you get the idea :)

Hopefully the appointment will go as well as my previous ones…and I’ll be back home quickly.

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Yeah, I’m doing ok today.  Sure I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat all day, but hey, I’m pregnant and hormonal and under more than the average amount of stress, wouldn’t you agree?

Still, pregnancy-wise, I’m feeling pretty good today.  I was sick earlier, but a phenergan took care of that and after waking up from the comatose state it puts me in when I’m sleep-deprived and have an empty stomach to boot, I felt good enough to eat a bowl of cereal with some fruit sliced in it, and now am feeling pretty darned normal actually.  No pain or anything (unless I try to get up lol).   I’m even breathing a LOT better so I’m guessing she’s dropped and may even be engaged, since the pain I have is when I try to walk.

So…today is a good day all in all.  I’m still sad, and I’m still praying, and I’m still hoping.  Not much will change there until the day she’s born and we see what happens.  Its hard to be “joyful” exactly, but I can definitely handle this feeling of peace and well-being that has settled around me this weekend.

Have a great Monday everyone

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I’ve been on the phone for a while with the doctor at UMC who will be assisting with my c-section.  On the one hand, I feel much better about my care now…he was wonderful to talk to, and sounds like he’s making darned sure they have all their ducks in a row to take care of me.

On the other hand, I’m a complete and total mess.  I’m about this close >< to having a complete and total mental breakdown.  I can’t stop crying.

Long story short…they just don’t believe there’s enough lung tissue to sustain life, and Ruby’s fetal breathing movements, while amazing to them, they feel is just a fluke, or that she has just enough diaphragm to make the movements.  After all, they are just reflex movements.

The soonest they can assemble the team for me (I have to have extra surgeons in case something goes wrong with my screwed up internal anatomy) is 11-20.  The day before my Dad’s birthday.  I’m going into UMC on the 19th so they can “flush” my system.  In case they have to do a bowel repair, they want a clean organ to work with to cut down on the risk of infection and make the repair easier.  Think colonoscopy prep.  Because I’m diabetic, and my sugar crashes when I don’t eat, they want me in the hospital on IV and such so they can monitor me and take care of me if that happens.  I’ll have to have a central line because my veins are worse than a junkie’s, courtesy of the hospital stay in 2006.

I’ll also have to have a vertical incision this time instead of lateral, for a variety of reasons…one, less scar tissue there…two, more room to maneuver if something goes wrong…three, I guess it’ll just be all around better to be safe than sorry.  All I know is the recovery and pain is going to be worse, and I’m not going to have a baby to distract me from it all.

Yeah, I’m in full-blown drama mama mode right now.  I don’t want to do this.  I don’t.  I want to keep her.  I want my miracle and I’m so PISSED OFF.

Please keep us in prayers.  I know its not too late for my miracle.

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I haven’t slept more than a few minutes at a time in almost a week now.  I’ve gone from sleeping reclined in the recliner to sleeping completely upright in the recliner…if you can call what I do “sleeping” that is.

I’m guessing the lack of sleep and constantly feeling tired has much to do with my outlook right now.  Depression?  Oh yeah, its slipping up on me again.  But mostly…I think I’m losing my strength and my will to fight.  I’m praying this will pass, and that I’m just having a bad few days.

I’m tired folks.  I’m tired of fighting, tired of the emotional roller coaster, and tired of looking up (as if that somehow helps?) and begging God to please please please let me keep my baby.  I’m tired of not knowing what to expect.  I’m tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed at my feet.  I’m tired of not having anyone around me to really talk to about this because they’re either convinced this is pretty much “over” or that I’ve “given up hope on Ruby.”  Is it too much to ask to just let me cry on your shoulder and you pat my back and hug me?  I don’t need encouragement or a lecture…I just need to get it all out and cry until I’m empty, and my “loved ones” keep stopping me.  I know they don’t want me to get “too upset” and all that…but…I need to.  And when I’m alone…I stop myself because I feel silly and/or weak.

So…yeah, I’m just tired.

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I’m trying REALLY hard not to read too much into this.

We went to UMC today, fully prepared to stay if necessary.  In the beginning, they talked about me staying and delivering me right away.  Then they did the ultrasound.  Her intestines are still in the wrong place, but for some reason, maybe her presentation, we could see her lungs, or what she has of them.  I saw them clearly because he pointed them out to the other doctor in there with us.  They were lungs…they were shaped like lungs.  They were very very small, I’d say smaller than her heart looked but I don’t know what ratio they had the machine on at that point.  The doctor was a little surprised but still shrugged it off as they were so small.  Then he made note of the fact that she had fetal breathing movements, and how surprised he was by that.  He kept going back to her chest repeatedly, and pointing out the “breathing” to the other doctor.  I of course had my ears pricked up as much as possible, and I saw her breathing movements.  My eyes teared up.  I just KNOW that she wants to live.

So after all that, he still proceeds to tell me there’s no chance at life after birth for her, etc etc.  Nothing we weren’t already prepared to hear.  BUT he then says he wants me to wait until 37 weeks to deliver.  WTH?  I’m having trouble breathing, my sugar is all over the place, and I swelled up like a blimp on the ride home (serious pain in the legs and hands I was swelling so fast).  Why do you want to wait just over four more weeks?  I’ll actually be 38 or so when they scheduled me…November 24.  So we left.

My mind is racing fast forward, and Justin is trying to convince me not to get my hopes up.  I’m really trying not to, I am…but why say you’re going to deliver me “immediately” and then change it to November 24?  Why keep coming back and looking at her chest when you’ve been able to see it every time? (UMC has never had a problem seeing her chest…it was up at Vanderbilt that she was being difficult)

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of getting my hopes up and having them dashed again.  I’m afraid of having her here and losing her because we’re not at Vanderbilt.  I’m afraid of so many things, but I’m trying to sit back and let God drive.  They prayed for me at my mom’s friend’s church, and a prophecy was given…Mom didn’t write it down when they told her what it was, and keeps forgetting to call the lady who did write it down, but she said she got chills when she heard it.  I think I NEED to know now what that prophecy was.

I don’t know if I can take this constant up and down.  I want to just proceed as if she won’t make it, finish making the arrangements, and if anything changes, have a very wonderful surprise.  But I can’t help hoping, and that’s setting myself up for a fall…plus I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t have faith in God.  I do…but I’m realistic too.  I’m 99% sure I’ll be burying my baby in November…but oh, how amazingly wonderful if that’s not what happens.

So now we wait.  I had contractions pretty bad on the way home, and while they’ve eased up since I’ve had my feet up, I still have one every half hour or so that absolutely takes my breath away and makes me vocalize my discomfort, if you get my point.  Its not four an hour, so I’m sitting tight.  I don’t know what’s going to happen…but I’m holding out hope, and in the meantime making sure I’m prepared for the worst.

Oddly enough, I still feel peaceful about the whole thing…keep praying for us that the peace continues

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I just got home from my OB.  He won’t deliver me in Hattiesburg…he’s concerned not only about my scar tissue but also about the reconstruction in my abdomen they did in 2006.  My organs aren’t where they’re supposed to be.  He wants me delivered either at Ochsner or UMC.  I prefer Ochsner because my surgical records AND my surgeon are there, but its easier to get me in quickly to UMC so that’s the route we finally decided on when we were leaving.  He’s going to shoot to get me in next week with their OBs there, and talk to the perinatologist I’ve been seeing, and see if they’ll be willing to let me try a vaginal delivery.   He expects Ruby to be delivered as soon as they can arrange it, as the longer I carry her, the worse my health gets.

I feel like I’m killing her.  I know I’m not.  But…I feel her moving, and I feel like I’m taking away any possible chance she has, even though my brain tells me she has virtually no lung tissue and its not ME that will be killing her.  My HEART says otherwise.

My OB feels that after three c-sections, a vaginal delivery wouldn’t be an option for any woman, but for me he thinks it might be the best way to go to keep from going into my “unusual” abdominal situation.  He said if he were confident there were enough specialists in Hattiesburg to be on hand should the situation warrant it, he might go ahead and do a c-section on me, but the simple fact is that the best colorectal surgeons are at UMC and Ochsner.

So it looks like I’ll have a huge team on hand regardless of whether I deliver vaginally or surgically.  I just don’t know what I want to do yet as far as c-sections go…whether I want to be awake or asleep.  I kept thinking I wanted to be asleep…but now I’m thinking I might need to be awake.  So we’ll see what happens.

As far as surgery on me after the delivery goes, my OB is hopeful that my diaphragm isn’t ruptured but is twisted up between my bowel and lung and just wasn’t visualized, and delivering Ruby will correct the situation without having to have surgery right away.  We’ll be praying for that as well.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.  We’re nearing the end of this journey.  I’m still upset and still crying at the drop of a hat, but I’m hanging on too.   I don’t want to give up…I feel like I’ve tried harder for Ruby than I’ve ever tried harder at ANYTHING in my life, and it just wasn’t good enough.  I know there’s a reason for it all though…even though I don’t yet know what that reason is…its the only comfort I can find.

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